You can’t reason with crazy

I'm beginning to come to terms that my anti-crazy pills are less effective these days. It was the near panic attack I had after a perfectly normal conversation that tipped me off. I like to describe my mind as having two sections. First, there's the very rational part that can think clearly without emotion getting too involved. Good things come out of this section. The other section is the irrational; the highly charged, erratic, panicky, pessimistic chunk of the mind. This part does not operate on facts and reason but rather fear and intimidation. For the most part, I can keep that part quiet. That's what the pills are for. Yet ever since I entertained the notion of doing something way outside my comfort zone, it won't shut up. I'm not talking about the fear-facing adventures , but just the task of house buying. Rational side says "Give me a friggin break. We've barely even done anything at this point." Irrational side said "OH MY GOD! THIS IS CERTAIN DOOM AND DESTRUCTION! YOU WILL PICK THE WRONG DECISION!"

Who has time to worry about Mayans and their lack of calendar longevity skills? I have my irrational side to convince me that I will doom the world to certain disaster. All over non-existent issues.

I had a conversation with our mortgage broker today to discuss some new guidelines. It was nothing that couldn't be worked around. And yet, that's when I felt the panic kick in. As I'm saying how it's doable my irrational side is screaming "nonononono!" My first instinct was to say to myself that the whole experience was far too stressful to deal with and that I must certainly stop this endeavor of mine. But then I realized this isn't a situation I can just shrug off. I have to come to grips and deal with it.

So I'm hoping my doc has some tricks to tell myself to shut up, cause it's exhausting putting up with myself.

Oof

I was on a such a good roll, posting regularly. Then I got sidelined. No one mentioned how stressful this house thing is. And I'm only in week 1! I haven't done anything of huge significance yet. So either the anti-anxiety pills need to step up or I need to relax significantly. But, things ARE looking positive. I just need to shut off that voice that keeps leaking doom and gloom into my conscious. It's so easy for me to psyche myself out of things. Unfortunately, when I get into this state of mind, I start over thinking everything and want to take action immediately. There's only so much that can be done at 9pm on a Sunday. I know this -- or rather, the rational side of me does. The impatient borderline obsessing part of me doesn't. And the worries I have. Oh boy. I'm sure some of them are rational. I mainly worry that I'm making the right decision. I'm almost certain that I am.

Sigh.

I haven't thought over analyzed a decision like this since my second to last car. Color and interior are not to be taken lightly you know.

On my way to becoming an adult

So the past week I've been taking those first steps in looking to buy a house. I have never felt completely out of my element before in my life. I mean, I've been in awkward situations, and there was that one time I accidentally coached a soccer team, but no, THIS time I feel out of my element. And I have been forthcoming to everyone I've talked to about this. My hope is that if I openly state my ignorance on this whole process, they will all take pity on me. Hopefully.

The thought to buy a home has been one we've toyed with back and forth for years. For the longest time, I didn't even want a house. It went against my nomadic sensibilities. But, the importance of a good school system and the desire to no longer want to pay rent to live in someone else's digs kicked in. So here I am. Doing the american dream thing. And I'm not really picky about the whole thing. I just need my kids to have their own room and a yard for the dogs. Ideally I'd love a big kitchen, but again -- not picky. Just a place that will be ours and we can paint the walls any other color than rental beige.