Monkey Thoughts

Whoever decided "free anal sex hemorrhoids" was a good bulletin board spam topic CLEARLY did not think it out all the way through.

Just the mental image alone is disturbing.

1. June's top search phrase for this site: "pirate master nipple".
Yeah, what?

2. People, I seriously do not know how to remove poop stains from the carpet. And for the record, ew. I mean, I've had my share of poop to clean with a toddler and all, but nothing that prompted me to do an internet search on "remove poop stains from carpet". This is one phrase I see consistently every month. Here's a bit of advise: deal with the creature pooping on the carpet in the first place. Then you may eliminate the poop-on-carpet problem entirely.

For years I have proclaimed my absolute hatred for The Breakfast Club. I had seen it many, many years ago (way before my teen years) and it just didn't do it for me. I've always groaned whenever anyone said how good of a movie it was. However, I was beginning to consider that perhaps I was too harsh on the movie. I couldn't remember much about it after all, just that I hadn't cared for it.
Well, I just finished watching it and I have to say...wow...that is a damn fine movie. I'm not entirely sure what I hated about it. Frankly, I'm feeling kinda silly for hating it this long.

HBO has what is now my current favorite comedy- Flight of the Conchords. It is all kinds o' hilarious and right up my sense of humor. The premise is basically two New Zealanders who are in a band and living in NY (at least, I'm pretty sure it's NY). Between their somewhat bizarre activities and their attempts to get gigs, the show is speckled with the best damn songs EVER. And apparently, this duo has been around for a while, touring, radio shows, etc. I've been missing out on the fun this whole time.* Hmm..thank god for HBO?

Here's a clip from Episode 3:

*Edited: I've found some of their live stuff on YouTube, and I'm pretty sure now that I've seen them before. Just can't think of when/where.

So this past weekend there was the whole Live Earth shindig. Initially, I was thinking "Ooh, sounds groovy" and all. But frankly, I'm getting really tired of hearing celebrities tell everyone to do shit. I suppose it is nice that they are "using their power for good" or whatever, but it would be nice if they just donated time/money without trying to earn bragging rights. Take Cameron Diaz for example. She should just shut the fuck up. We get it. You were one of the first people to have a hybrid. Woo for you.

Anyway..Live Earth. Here's my problem with it. The whole thing is about global warming and what we can all do to save the planet. Now let's think numbers. 24 hours. 7 continents. 100 music artists. So that's 100 artists that need to travel for the concert- planes, buses. 100 artists that need electricity to perform. 100 artists with ridiculous riders that probably end up wasting most of the food anyway. Now the audience. Tens of thousands of people, all of whom needed transportation to reach the concert. At concerts, people get hungry/thirsty so calculate the waste created from water/drinks/food. Live Earth was broadcast to over 100 TV channels, 200 US radio channels (and more in a total of 130 countries), and 8 satellite channels. So now we have the transportation for camera crews/radio broadcasters, plus the energy expended to broadcast. Calculate the energy used for the TV audiences, radio audiences, and the 8 million people who streamed internet coverage.

Now let's look at part of the pledge:

• To take personal action to help solve the climate crisis by reducing my own CO2 pollution as much as I can and offsetting the rest to become “carbon neutral;”

• To work for a dramatic increase in the energy efficiency of my home, workplace, school, place of worship, and means of transportation;

Hmmm...It may just be me, but it seems like Live Earth was a big freaking waste of energy and kinda hypocritical.

And one more thing...what the HELL was up with the map of the world done with recycled bottles or cans or whatever? Am I supposed to believe that there wasn't better use to be made of all those items?

Sure, I was able to kick out a few PHP pages the other day without knowing what the hell I was doing. And I was able to debug those pages with no problem. But that doesn't make up for the offense I just committed.

I was attempted to charge up my blackberry via USB cable. Without looking, I plug it into my laptop. Suddenly I notice I'm getting a "Cable has been disconnected" warning. I fiddle with the cable at both ends and nothing. That leaves me to go back to IT for help. The IT dude comes in, fiddles with the cables a bit, and the connection seems wacky. I say to him "All of this happened right as I plugged in my USB cable", so I unplug it. Like magic, my connection works. IT guy then says "Plug your USB back in". I do, and the connection goes. IT dude lets out a sigh. He walks over and says "I want to show you something. THESE are your USB ports." Apparently, I was plugging into my Ethernet port...and surprisingly, the cable fit into it. I apologized profusely for wasting his time and assured him that I do actually know what a USB port is, I was just not looking. I still can't believe I did that. I've done some dumbass things in my time, but this was by far one of the the dumbest in terms of computer-related.

To the woman with the particularly bad haircut who cut in front of my son for a Harry Potter book:

I just wanted to let you know a few things. First of all, I hope you feel really good about yourself for cutting in front of an 8 year old. That is quite an incredible achievement, one that you should feel proud about for a long time to come. Second, I want to commend you for setting such a shining example to your own spawn. Nothing says good parenting like acting like a complete dipshit.

But the real reason I'm writing is that I want to stress a few points to you. I knew you were going to cut. I have an instinct about people like you. Maybe it's your posture or the way you try to avoid eye contact when I glance at you. I'm not sure entirely, but I have never been wrong about a potential cutter. You should also know that you are extremely fortunate, as I have never let a line cutter get away with it, ever. "What makes me so special?" you ask. It's not because you seemed completely full of yourself, playing this whole concerned parent act as you spewed out lame comments to your spawn such as "I'm so proud of you. You're doing such a good job." (Yes, waiting in line for a freaking book requires SO much talent, it's just unheard of.) And it's not because you were with an equally bitter-looking woman who I'm quite sure hasn't been laid in many years, because having an extra person to lay the smack down on for being an ass just makes it all the more amusing to me. There were several reasons I let it slide. First off, it was such a jackass and lame thing to do. If you really think getting in front of one more person will get you the book faster and out the door, by all means be my guest. It's not like they were going to sell out at that point. But I get it. You're insane. It's okay. Lots of people are insane. Second, I'm trying to not be a jackass in front of my kid. I'm pretty sure saying "Listen you stupid bitch..." wouldn't have set the best example for him. Neither does allowing people to cut, but I'm not in that "special place" yet where I can begin a sentence to folks such as yourself without profanity. I'm working on it though. Finally, as much as I would have loved to at least trip you in that passive-aggressive sort of way that I have, I didn't want to cause a scene as a family member works at that particular store. That wouldn't be cool to do.

So I guess what I'm saying is that you're lucky. You're also lucky that my cell phone battery died, because I really wanted to take a picture of your bad haircut to show the world. In fact, if I regret anything about the whole situation it's that.