Every once in a while I like to go digging up my blog stats just to see where people are coming from and what brings them to me. Every time I make this effort, I am usually partially speechless over the search terms that directed people my way. I've selected some of my favorite terms and decided to see just where in Google search results my site fell. After seeing the results, I've decided to put down some appropriate content for these search terms. After all, it is only fair that the individuals searching for the mentioned items get some sort of satisfaction from me.

Without further adieu, and in no particular order whatsoever, Monkey Thoughts WTF Search Terms 2008:

1) Life span of vampire monkey - 4th in Google search
Well this is quite simple actually : 22 years in the wild, 38 in captivity. That is, of course, assuming they actually existed and weren't a hoax.

2) The hitcher beastiality - 38th in Google search
In neither of "The Hitcher" versions did bestiality occur. Sure, you could theorize and say "some jackasses got effed hard in the a", but that is merely a metaphor. Perhaps it is a story one was searching for, about a hitchhiker on a lonely road and an unfortunate goat? If that is the case, I would recommend altering the search terms to be a bit more specific.

3) Monkey with lipstick from scary movie -7th in Google search
...
The monkey's name was Jackson Reeves, which, you have to admit, is quite a fancy name for a primate. He wants everyone to know that he does not wear lipstick on a regular basis. The night before the shoot, he got completely wasted on cheap bourbon and ditch weed and put on Revlon Super Lustrous in Cha Cha Cherry on a dare. Unfortunately, he woke up late and had to rush to set to film his scenes. Seeing how he passed out the night before, Cha Cha Cherry was still smothered all over his face. The director loved the look, and thus it stayed, creating lingering proof of Reeves' after-hour activities.

4) How to remove poop stain - 46th in Google search
I once had the unfortunate task of removing poop from my own carpet and made a remark on my blog, thereby sealing in history the most commonly awkward search term I see, month after month. It is a cringing favorite of mine. Let's face it people...there's a lot of people's rugs getting pooped on, so for the love of all that is good in the world, do not play by the five second rule!
I now have hardwood floors, which makes the removal SO much easier. Additionally, I received a comment from Angie in Texas with steps on how to deal with said poop. That can be found in the comment section here.

5) Nipples in hustle & flow - 9th in Google search
I can only wonder if the searcher wants to know if there are nipples in "Hustle & Flow" (yes) or if I have pics of them (no). If it's the latter, I have a course of action I recommend to appease the mind for want of nipples. First, proceed to a mirror. I recommend one in private, unless you are a kinky sonuvabitch and want the world to see your business. Next, remove your shirt and any upper body undergarments you have on. Look, nipples! Now stare intently at the reflection of your nipples and begin to softly serenade yourself: "You know it's hard out here for a pimp/When he tryin to get this money for the rent/For the Cadillacs and gas money spent/Because a whole lot of bitches talkin shit" See? Sexy, isn't it?

6) One dick at a time - unknown
The fact that I couldn't find where my page landed in Google's search (got to the 118th and got bored) says a lot for the dedication of this searcher. So I pose this question to him or her: why one dick at a time? Clearly, you have the stamina and the will needed to take on more than one dick. By all means, do it!
For the rest of you, take that search phrase as a new motto for life: One dick at a time. No more, no less.

7) Punishments for dirty sluts- 49th in Google search
Nipple clamps and whips, no doubt. And maybe a bath. And some hand sanitizer.

8) Gout of the dick- 12th in Google search
A quote from "True Blood", but is it a real medical condition? You tell me.

9) My cat is trying to eat me - 12th in Google search
You have my sympathy. I say, try to eat it back. See how the bastard likes it now! (Don't really try to eat your cat. Just subtle threats will do.)

10) My sim aquarium dead fish - 9th in Google search
I actually see a few hits from various Sim Aquarium searches. I would like to state that I was a horrible sim fish keeper and you should not come my way for any such advice, for it will only lead to certain death and destruction. If you want that sort of sorrow in your life, by all means, ignore the fish for awhile. Otherwise move along to a more successful fake fish owner and they shall lead you to prosperity.