Just in case you weren’t aware that there are some really…odd..people out there, or that the internet is a great way to find them, I present you with this wonderful etsy profile.

I feel like a dick (no sidejoke there intended) cause there’s this elaborate blurb about sexual abuse and her *feelings*, but the celebrating of the vagina..it’s just so…fem movement circa 1990s.

And never have I seen so many items designed around the female genitalia that wasn’t in that shady shop off the highway with the equally shady men inside that I don’t even like to accidentally brush shoulders with cause I just know they’re gonna be whacking later and frankly, that’s too much info for me to handle. Plus, they never seem to be looking at the good stuff.

I’m wondering if the fam would be too terribly upset if this baby ended up on the couch:


And for Christmas, I want my own vulva portrait. I will hang it above the tv. Or not..

Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad that this person is happy with her body. I just don’t buy into the whole celebration of the vag thing. It’s a body part. That’s all. Ooh. Magical. (I know, I’m no fun.)
Do guys get all celebratory about their manly bits? Like “I used to feel dirty about my penis. Now I love it. And all the penises I meet.”? Cause so far the only thing I’ve seen on etsy that dealt with manly bits were labeled as “NAUGHTY!!!” Yes folks, having a male sex organ on a piece of paper (ie, “penis stationary”) is “NAUGHTY”.

I just set myself for all the pervs to find me now with all that vag and peni talk. Shit.

There are a few terms that, for one reason or another, just make me twitch. “New media” is one, cause, really, is it all still “new” now? That’s a relative term. The other is “social media” considering, as many have said, the very nature is anti-social. I’ll admit it, I LOVE me some twitter and Facebook, although Twitter was way more fun pre-Oprah. I think the Oprah frenzy died down, but I’m still tired of seeing mobile phone companies trying to be hip by mentioning Twitter in their ads. “Well..shit..I was going to go with Sprint, but they haven’t mentioned Twitter yet in their ads so clearly they hate technology.” We get it. You know that we know. A-MA-ZING.
My major “issue” with the whole social media wave is the amount of twats emerging (and that may or may not be a whole pun/spin off of Twitter..I haven’t decided yet) proclaiming themselves to be “experts” on the matter.
Hmm…”expert”, you say? Well…let’s dissect this one a bit, shall we? Let’s think about other experts. Like, I dunno, an expert in marine forensics perhaps.
“I’m an expert in marine forensics. I have a college degree and many years of hands-on experience. I am recognized by other people in my field as being knowledgeable and reliable on the subject.”
Versus:
“I’m a social media expert. I blog. I use Twitter. And Facebook. And sometimes I blog about blogging. Or I blog about how you should be blogging and I link to that blog post in my Twitter account. And I share links to other blogs and YouTube videos in Twitter and Facebook. And sometimes I blog about how you should use Twitter, which of course I link to in my Twitter account. So you see…expert. Pay me money.”
I guess the word “expert” is becoming relative as well? Social media “experts” like to proclaim themselves to be experts. If that’s acceptable, I henceforth declare myself to be an expert in awesome. Because I said. One day I shall have conferences on how you too can be awesome. It’ll be epic. Beowulf-style.
These experts also like to throw in phrases like “personal branding”, and remind us gently via 20 blog posts and twice as many Twitter updates that those nudie picks we’ve posted of last Saturday night can easily be accessed via potential and current employers. I like to call those “Epiphanies of the Obvious, aka, No Shit Sherlock”. I know not to put up dickvids (aside from that being a physically impossibility…the female version doesn’t sound nearly funny enough), yet that doesn’t make me an expert? Or does it? The non-dickviding expert?
It’s just a ridiculous amount of clutter on the internet, and we don’t need any more clutter. To those self-proclaimed social media experts: If all you are doing is pontificating your expertise on Twitter, please knock it the hell off and get an actual job. Thanks.