For a long time, writing posts was a therapeutic process. I could get out all those feelings of the asshats I encountered during my daily life. I’m not sure if I ran into less asshats or if I dealt with them better, but I had less of an urge to get those feelings out.
This past week, I found myself longing for an outlet, but just not having the energy to do so– no asshats involved, but still the need to “talk about my feelings”. It’s like a scream was building up inside me, but it wouldn’t (or couldn’t) come out. Internally, I was a basket-case. Externally, I was abnormally exhausted. I think stress was just slowly wearing me down.
I often joke about my kids being “out to get me”, but this past week it seemed like more than a joke. Normally, one kid is misbehaving and the other is a victim of it. This time, it was both misbehaving and in ways my brain didn’t want to process. I always said I’d be a cool and collected parent, able to handle all the various missteps without blinking. Instead, I found my normal reaction is to shriek and run around the house when I come across something I’m not ready for. Like the time my oldest son’s friend decided to use our computer for things that were most like blocked at his house. We didn’t figure out that part yet, but I responded by…running around my house and shrieking. Sure, I calm down and process in due time, but initially, it’s like the blue screen of death in my brain.
When I’m done processing, I can move ahead and deal with things just fine. But two major areas to deal with on each kid seemed like a lot. Maybe a major and a minor, or two minors…oof. I was chatting with a fellow mom during the week and warned her that it doesn’t get easier. It seems like after they can use the toilet and feed themselves, there would be some minor bumps along the way. Delusional, perhaps. I think there were a few weeks after they were potty-trained and talking and able to communicate what they needed for the first time where I though “Hey, this parenting thing is pretty easy.” HA! Fooled me! It looks like the current crisis is ironing out and they are back to walking around with blanket capes on and…well…the blanket capes kinda through me for a loop. They were very nonchalant about it.
My other issues was work, which was not so much an issue in the classic sense. I’ve been a big proponent of not getting emotions involved at work. Perhaps that’s a generational thing. After going through a dotcom layoff and two buy-out related layoffs, I’ve gotten good at taking everything in stride. My outlook is to do what I need to do and carry on as normal. I don’t take things personally and I don’t look for hidden agendas in every email that goes out. But that isn’t the case for everyone. People seem to have emotional ties, and I suppose I can understand that. In the grand timeline, I’m still very much a noob. I don’t know. Dealing with other people’s emotions in that sort of context is somewhat uncomfortable for me. Too many years being a nerd I guess. But I ended the week with more goals and tasks to handle, and I’m feeling pretty good about that.
So the week started off with suck and ended pretty good. Not too shabby after all I guess. And I’m feeling significantly calmer and relaxed. Stress is just monster.