Email received today:
Subject: keeping you informed – lights will be on
Good evening Parents, we hope all of you are having a great day! Because of the current cold spell, it has been recommended by our engineer to keep the lights on in the building throughout the night. This will help in maintaining a constant temperature in the building. Please contact us with any questions.
Dear Mr. PrinciPAL,
See, I remember the PAL part because a principal is your PAL! Get it? Eh.
First off, thank you for letting me know about the light situation. Honestly, I would have eventually noticed the persistence of the building lights and probably would have thought that either I was missing a parent-teacher conference or that perhaps there was a party that you didn’t invite me to. I’d be rather depressed and mopey about the latter scenario. I mean, I know I’m not exactly the most readily available parent to donate time or anything else, but shit man, I’m busy. That doesn’t mean I don’t like to throw down and get my drank on from time to time.
Sure, I suppose a more nefarious scenario would be that someone was in the building unauthorized, but come on; Who in their right mind would be in a school building after hours without some commitment to hold up? Not to mention, what dumbass burglar would turn on all the lights of a school building to do their thing? Total fail, that would be.
Second, do you really have an engineer? By engineer, do you mean janitor? I gotta say, janitors have been really going above and beyond these days. Back in my day, the janitor was some odd old man named Stan who used to throw kitty litter down on vomit. Now they are engineers and determining how to best conserve heat by increasing the expenditure of energy. Hate to see that bill. Also, why are there no women janitors? And if they are, are they called janitoras or janitoresses?
Regardless, thank you for notifying me of this endeavor at the school. I will sleep much better knowing that I was not not-invited to a party and that the school isn’t being ravaged by dumb criminals.
Smacking it old skool,