Monkey Thoughts

30s are not so bad

2010-02-07T18:42:28Z

Tomorrow I hit the big 3-2. 32. It sounds so grown-up when I have to admit that's my age, but in reality, eh...no big deal. When I turned 29, I was an emotional wreck. I was pretty certain that was going to be the last year of my life, socially speaking. No more would I have any fun. I would have to become an adult, as my thirties were looming around the corner, waiting to spoil everything. I was depressed and sullen leading up to that birthday and for a few months later. When I turned 30 the following year, it was no big deal. I had already spent all the energy the previous year on being depressed that I had nothing left, so I just rolled with it. The universe didn't imploded, I didn't suddenly wake up to mom hair; everything was as it was the day before. And although that year started out EXTREMELY rough on the personal end, it looked up quickly. (Funny, add a bunch of mini-crisis to the mix and turning 30 is a walk in the park.) So now I'm faced with 32. On one hand, it doesn't bother me at all. I'll still be the same immature jackass as I always am. On the other, I'm beginning to hear my biological clock, which is amusing considering I already have two kids. I'm going to let that one just roll and clock it up to hormones. My point is...30s are not as bad as we tend to make them out to be. I haven't felt any pressure to measure up to some standard since turning 30, and even if I did I'm the sort of person that tends to shrug those off. I know I'm always going to love video games and despise scrap-booking, and love horror movies and shudder at romantic-comedies and chick-flicks. None of that will change because of a mere number that's supposed to mean something more than how many rotations around the sun I've been here. Let's do this, 32!

My life, in 6 words.

2010-02-05T19:18:38Z

I was reading this article on NPR entitled "Can You Tell Your Life Story In Exactly Six Words?", in which they discussed a book called It All Changed in an Instant . It All Changed in an Instant is a collection of 6-word memoirs from the famous and well-known. At the end of the article, the question is asked to the audience to share their 6-word memoir. I looked at this challenge as I tend to look at all generic/non-personal challenges: completely unnecessary, and yet I am compelled to indulge, thanks to that whole crazy part in my head that keeps me from letting go. But this is a memoir we're talking about here. Not something to be casually balked at and haphazardly tossed around. If that was the case, I could merely toss out something like "I ate too much cheese today" and be done with it. (That is actually a true story. I ate too much cheese today. And I'm lactose-intolerant. Hilarity ensues. Curse you, dairy gods.) No. This is a MEMOIR. I needed to do some seriously soul reflection as I thought about all my life's experiences; all the heartaches, the joys, the obstacles, the epic wins. And then it came to me. A phrase to sum it all up. To sum ME up. Where did I put my pants? Chalking this one up as a big success.

Ode to Frogurt

2010-02-04T00:12:53Z

Unless you've been living as a hermit the past 24 hours, you know that the perhaps biggest thing on television last night was the Lost season premiere. I've only been into the show since last season, meaning I've managed to avoid the fact that the show existed at all. Not a difficult thing for me to do; actually, I suck at watching TV. I have commitment issues. Saying that every certain day at a certain time, I'll be watching a specific show is too much of a commitment for me. If there wasn't a dvr in my life, I'd never watch tv, and even that doesn't always work. (My related articles side bar on my dashboard tells me a certain contest show that shits out questionably talented singers had more ratings. Phooey.) Anyway, a year back or so, I decided to watch the Lost pilot. It kept me interested, so I kept watching, every day, multiple episodes a day, during the course of a really boring work season, until I was up-to-date for the current season. I like that sort of arrangement, because I can tell cliffhangers to go to hell. When I'm current on a show, I have to wait like everyone else. So the point of all this was...Lost was on last night. All plot twists and supposed alternate realities and questions aside, I was elated to see the return of a minor character - a character commonly referred to as "Frogurt". I believe that was a Sawyer-generated nickname, and by far the best. Frogurt is kind of a dick. I'm not the only one that thinks he was one of the best minor characters: Frogurt alone should be reason enough to watch Lost.

A Social Experiment

2010-01-28T03:44:35Z

As many of my (mis)adventures so often go, this particular foray into the world wide web began with a string of tangents. I started on my brother's blog and was scanning his "liked" links. Despite my nerdom, I haven't spent nearly enough time on Topless Robot as perhaps I should. I was clicking through posts and came across this diddy - Cobra Commander Is Waiting to Talk to You. Hilarious, as is the Cobra Commander tumblr site, Cobra takeover. This all led me to Chatroulette, a site I have never been to...not one for chatting online to random people. Not since about 2000-2001ish. Even then was a stretch. But this...was magnificent. You vs stranger. Click for a new random person. I was still not in for the chatting. I was on a personal mission to find Cobra Commander. Alas, I did not find him this time. Ah well. I came across a cam focused on a picture of Toshio Saeki (creepy dead kid from The Grudge), which freaked my shit out. There was a creepy mannequin/mask thing and plenty of stills done in Microsoft Paint asking for a boob flash. As I clicked refresh again and again, I tried to think of something witty to say, but I was drawing blanks. Plus, that requires chatting. And effort. In other news, I need to really get more sleep. As for you, Cobra Commander: One day we shall me. I am certain of it. YEOW!

Image via Wikipedia

The Religion vs Science Debate - Solved!

2010-01-27T03:47:30Z

HA! Not really. Maybe in my mind. I was getting my NYT on, and came across this article about a science teacher in Mount Vernon, Ohio - specifically, a science teacher in a public school who is accused of teaching creationism. Despite the various run-ins I've had with a plethora of religions, creationism is not a concept I've readily embraced at any point in my life. I've always had a more scientific mind. Evolution and science is something that seems to make sense to me. BAM! BIRDS! --- not so much. I live within a reasonable distance of a creationism museum and some of the billboards have made me almost drive off the road. One of these days, I'd like to go there JUST for the experience, but I'm afraid I might have difficulty not laughing or something. I do like dinosaurs though...it's a tough call. When I read this article and see people saying that this teacher is being persecuted for his Christian beliefs, I feel compelled to call bullshit. He is not a teacher in a Christian school, but a public one. His duty is to teach the subject assigned to him with the curriculum guidelines provided. In other words- SCIENCE, not religion. I don't understand why there are people who have a real difficult time with the separation there. This is one of my favorite quotes from the article and called out by many of the commenters:

"If he had 'Origin of Species' on his desk, they would celebrate that."

Go figure...a celebrated work of scientific literature on a science teacher's desk. That WOULD be scandalous, wouldn't it? I was a Catholic-school attendee all 12 years of school. Even so, religion and science managed to remain separate -- for the most part. Our 11th grade term paper was graded by both english and religion class - on the format and the morality issues. My topic was genetic engineering, which would have been really fascinating had my research not been based on a bunch of musty books from the library and had I not done all my research the day before it was due. Ah kiddos... the days before the internets. I also typed that shit -- on an actual typewriter. If I remember correctly, I pulled off a B in religion class for it, but the teacher clearly wanted me to lean more towards the "it's morally wrong" angle and not the scientific approach I took. Which I totally get, because the moral aspect was his grading angle. But for the record...that guy was a dick anyway. The biggest clash of science-vs-religion that I can remember though (and by biggest, I mean most potentially damaging to the atmosphere of true learning) happened my 7th or 8th grade year of science. (I think I had the same teacher both years, so the exact year is foggy). It was the sex ed portion of the curriculum. Up on the projector was the male anatomy - you know, the standard diagram of wang and rectum and all the tubing. I remember the teacher talking about the anus, and then mentioning the "homosexuals" having sex that way, and, as matter as factly as a 60 year old woman can be in a classroom full of awkward teens, she stated "and that's how AIDS was formed". Her reasoning, of course, was that people are not supposed to have sex that way. In retrospect, that gave me WAY more information about her sex life than I should have ever been privy too. Being young and naive, I just accepted that as fact. Course, these days I know that it's all because someone had sex with a chimpanzee...duh... ... Actually, it's called zoonosis. Or "sex-with-monkey" transmission. And I believe this post has run its course. Good night everybody! I'm out!

Really, Facebook?

2010-01-20T20:44:52Z

Yeah, I know it's been a while since my last post, blah blah, I've been sleeping. And taking notes. About things to write about. Creative juices = done flowed. I was checking out my mafia farm in facebook to see if my new crops of thugs needed harvesting and whether or not the jerks who call themselves my friends joined my mafia family neighborhood yet, when I saw the same ad I always see on Facebook -- sorta. It was the "moms go back to school and get your learn on" ad, but with a rather curious alteration: What the HELL is that?? I've given this some thought and decided on a few possible explanations. Maybe the advertiser is trying to infer that without a proper education, one's kids are destined to become ruffians and potentially homeless*. Or, perhaps it meant to say "Join this site and all your personal information will be given to THIS guy who will surprise you with a few weeks of stalking leading up to a home invasion and sexual assault." Or, maybe Facebook ads just suck donkey balls. Hard to say, really. * For the record, I don't automatically assume all hairy beardy men are homeless. Hell, I'm married to a hairy beardy man. Sometimes, he DOES look homeless. And once, his beard got so out of control that he appeared to be supporting a terrorist group of sorts. His beard is like a separate member of the family.

INDOOBLY!

2009-12-30T16:37:42Z

This morning, I stumbled into the bathroom stall barely awake. As I sat there whizzing (too much info??), I found myself humming a tune out of no where. I paused for a second, scanning my mental media database of songs and jingles, only to realize that I was oddly humming the jingle to a 1987 cereal commercial: My initial reaction to this revelation was to exclaim "What the fuck!" .... I do not recommended yelling "What the fuck!" from a bathroom stall. It doesn't look good, no matter how you try to spin it. .... What I love about this commercial (which I still have the words memorized, 22 years later..eeks) is the Jimmy Durante impersonator and the use of the word "indubitably" to describe a kid's cereal. They don't make commercials like this anymore. Now we have talking babies and pseudo-hipsters who love Miracle Whip and Jettas. What the fuck, indeed. Ah-cha-cha-cha!

Redesign 2009!

2009-12-28T00:56:49Z

Part of my goals for a while was to redesign this site to my own liking without the use of someone else's style. Maybe it was a lack of motivation or focus, but it took me a while to actually commit to the project. I'm still toying with a few things, but the main overhaul is done. I'm really enjoying the color scheme I've got. It's not that I don't like blue, I'm just rather sick of it. I worked off a scheme that contained about 9 different colors, and I think it all turned out rather nicely. Now if I can figure out where the hell the "previous" button is...

Merry Christmas and all that stuff

2009-12-26T20:37:16Z

So thanks to the economy sucking, and my money management skills sucking, and wanting to actually pay bills instead of letting them accumulate, I was a little worried how plentiful Christmas was going to be this year. Part of the issue is that Christmas growing up was maybe a hell of a lot different than normal people's christmases. Is that a word? "Christmases"? Spell checker isn't picking it up, so I'm thinking perhaps it is. But I digress. Growing up, we had the "Santa" presents, which was a multitude of gifts in a selected spot. I seem to remember my spot being closest to the hallway and across from the Christmas tree. Then, there were the presents under the tree from the parents and siblings. These were wrapped while the Santa presents were not. Every Christmas Eve, I would be laying in my bed way too excited to sleep, and hit with a fresh dose of anxiety. I'd be frantically wondering if I was good enough that year for Santa Claus to visit. Had I fought too much with my younger brother that year? Had I talked back too much to my parents? What if I wake up in the morning and there weren't any presents for me? It all seems silly now, but I never had one moment where I realized there wasn't a Santa Claus. I was 18 and still had doubts. (And I wonder why I had such a hard time adjust to the real world.) My parents were THAT good. Unfortunately for me, this set the bar really high for me with my own kids. I was so determined to keep Christmas the same as it was for me. I have no idea how my parents pulled it all off though. There were four of us kids, and we were all going to parochial school. They must have started saving in January or something. I, however, kinda suck at saving money too far in advance. Every year I say I'm getting Christmas shopping done before Thanksgiving and every year that hasn't happened. This year felt especially different. There were no big bonuses to be had and the bills were aplenty. I could get the kids the major presents they wanted, but I couldn't do an extravagant cornucopia of toys. And I actually felt bad about that. Then I started thinking seriously about things. What was the point of spending extra dollars to get them toys that they may or may not play with? They have plenty of toys as it is now, perhaps even too much as the result of birthdays and Christmases of past. They got the item they most wanted and a few corresponding accessories. I have to say, they were completely happy. My house wasn't overfilled with tons of packing waste and a million pieces of toys. It was very simple and stress free and definitely how I want to continue Christmases in the future.

Nugget of goodness

2009-12-16T05:08:16Z

I had this utterly brilliant idea for a script and I want to pass the goodness to the world as a treat. Here world, have this nugget and savor it. Let it melt in your mouth as you inhale the sweet aroma. Let it drip... okay, I'm freaking myself out now. I call this idea "Figgy Pudding". It's a slasher flick. Close your eyes. No, wait..you won't be able to read this if you do that. Pretend you are closing your eyes so you can pretend to imagine the structure I'm throwing at you. Let's say our main locale is a dorm. Eh, I know what you're thinking: "Dorms are SO overdone for Christmas slashers." True, my friends. But we need a single location of terror for this to work and "convalescent home" just doesn't have the same ring to it. That's a whole other issue of terror there. Okay, so dorm-like setting. Enter the carolers. The carolers are the new mutant cannibal backwoods folks for 2010. Trust. The carolers seem oh so sweet and normal, but deep down they are some crazy bastards. They enter the scene singing at the dorm's steps. Maybe the dorm inhabitants poke a little fun, cause we all know that college students are all jackasses, right? Unfortunately for these jackasses, the carolers have picked them as their target for the evening's festivities (wink wink). As they get to their closing song ("We Wish You A Merry Christmas"), they get to the verse about figgy pudding:

Oh, bring us a figgy pudding; Oh, bring us a figgy pudding; Oh, bring us a figgy pudding and a cup of good cheer We won't go until we get some; We won't go until we get some; We won't go until we get some, so bring some out here

But these freaks are serious. They want their figgy pudding and they plan on killing until they get it. Unfortunately for the college students, no one knows what the fuck figgy pudding actually is, so of course no one has any on them. Then the stalking and killing begins, complete with over the top death scenes utilizing any and all improbably mortal Christmas decorations, along with corny one-liners like "Your balls have been jingled". So there. Take it, love it and give it a home. Just don't name any of the characters some stupid shit like "Maximilian Stead" and describe him as "the wealthy, playboy type" or this entire deal is null and void, I shit you not. It's important to have standards, even for shitty slashers flicks. And check it out: flaming figgy pudding!

Image by tedkerwin via Flickr

Talking about famous people's naughty bits

2009-12-15T05:14:16Z

At my previous job, staying up-to-date on the latest celebrity gossip was almost a necessity. My coworkers enjoyed sharing tidbits on who was dating whom, and who was seen wearing what. If there was a particularly hot story, of course you wanted to be the first to get and share the scoop. It was all pretty exhausting and particularly mind-numbing. At my current job, no one seems to give a damn on such things, so avoiding gossip sites was a welcomed change in the daily routine. After almost a year of not being engrossed in it, I'm pleased to say that I have no clue as to who is boinking who. Hell, a good percentage of the time, I have no idea who various "celebs" are. It's refreshing. There is something inherently disturbing about the media's obsession over public figures' private lives. I never understand why it becomes news when a well-known person admits to diddling people on the sides. Isn't that a matter than he/she needs to take care of with their significant other? I suppose the newest morbid fascination is the whole Tiger Woods affair, which I've done my best to avoid completely. I couldn't care less about who he's having the sex with or how many women claim to have ridden Tiger's wood. How is that news? People have sex...get over it already! He's not the first person nor the last to have cheated on his wife. *yawn* It bears no relevance to my life nor should it affect his professional career. It may change the meaning of "hole in one", sure. *cymbal crash* I will mention that one thing did catch my eye that I've rolled my eyes at and declared it the sign of the coming apocalypse. While doing some research to see if I was the only person who thinks German actor Daniel Bruhl resembles Smashing Pumpkins' Billy Corgan, one of the first things shown in the google search under news stated that Corgan was dating none other than Jessica Simpson. I'm telling you, that IS the apocalypse coming. Get your affairs in order, and quickly! While I'm on the subject of celebrity gossip mags, I'm going to repeat the sentiments of so many others : since when did TMZ become a reliable source for anything? It is downright vile to see the AP quote TMZ or mention "TMZ had this story first." Bleck. Anyway, I highly recommend removing this sort of mental clutter from your daily routine. Allow celebs their private lives and stop encouraging these gossip sites from invading the privacy and supplying pics every time Britney Spears gets a hamburger at a drive-thru. Also:

Image via Wikipedia

That had nothing to do with any of this, but seriously, how often do you see Mariah Carey and Robert DeNiro together? Weird, right?

Common sense and nudie pics

2009-12-15T03:22:43Z

That title should bring some interesting traffic, yes? I stumbled across this video on YouTube, or the youtube, if you prefer. What was of most interest to me was that it dealt with a local case of a teenager who sent a nude pic to her then boyfriend who, upon the breakup, sent the pic to fellow classmates. The girl committed suicide after months of harassment at school. To add insult to injury, her parents are suing various parties, which I believe illustrates that I do not agree with what her parents are doing. Not only will it not bring back their daughter, it passes over an accountability that their daughter has in the situation. Don't get me wrong...harassment is not okay at all, and I feel the school officials should have done more to stop the harassment. But I don't believe culpability for this tragedy should be placed solely on the student body and school. I've gotten the feeling from reading various articles on this situation that the parents are trying desperately to point fingers without owning up to the fact that they should have told their daughter that sending pics of her nudie bits would never have a good outcome. To me, that is common sense. Unfortunately for the girl who committed suicide, school life is never one happy rainbow of friendship goodness. Other girls get mean and catty. That's pretty much a general. Hell, I've gotten more than my fair share of bullying growing up. If you were the first to start wearing a bra, you were tormented until the next school-age faux pas was committed to distract the attention away from you. A few years later, it was if you were the last to wear a bra. If you dared to trust the wrong gossip hound with who you were crushing on, inevitably that information would make the rounds and life seemed like it was completely ruined. But kids get over that shit as soon as they find the next thing they can tease someone about, and it always seemed that letting it roll right off stopped the teasing sooner than later. Humiliation is tough, but that is school. That is growing up. I don't envy kids now with their gadgets and social networking. Seems like it's all too easy to make the wrong move and open the flood gates to be picked on by peers. But these are conversations we as parents need to be having with our children. Just because a sex tape catapults a rather rich nobody into the public eye doesn't mean this is a formula to replicate. More often than not, it will end in a huge steaming pile of lost dignity and humiliation. And for crying out loud, I know how gossipy my high school was when I was growing up...who in their right mind would think for one nanosecond that anything like a naked pic would be kept confidential? That is a serious case of delusion. I feel bad for the parents of this girl. But unfortunately suing people will not make up for their lack of talking to their daughter about the dangers of misusing multi-media and how you should never take any picture that that if there is the slightest probability of being intercepted. Hell, at least make sure you're not able to be identified in it.

Consumer vs Fast Food Industry - A disconnect

2009-12-09T04:54:20Z

I don't visit fast food restaurants too often at all -- one of the benefits of being a vegetarian. Or I suppose a disadvantage if you're the type that enjoys fast food. Anyway, when I do make a quick stop at one, I am quick to remember that they don't exist on the same plane as me, common sense speaking. I'm always amazed when a restaurant nonchalantly introduces a new burger made with three slabs of meat and a pound of bacon and ten slices of cheese. It's not just from a vegetarian aspect either that causes my disgust. I am baffled that anyone can order that for lunch and think they should eat for the next few days. Today, I walked out of my doc appt and realized that I had eaten lunch way too early and I was hungry again. What I really wanted was edamame or some sort of fresh veggies, but I don't live in the sort of city where you can walk up to a nearby restaurant and get random veggies to go. So I settled for a close fast food restaurant by the highway to grab a drink and onion rings. Healthy, I know. This is where I made my mistake. I ordered a medium beverage, expecting a medium beverage. I got a this: This is not a medium. This is a small bucket. In comparison, here is the faux-medium next to a standard cup, semi-filled with delicious fizzy water: The medium towards over the normal cup. To me, medium means "average". It's not smaller than average (aka, small beverage) nor is it larger (aka, large beverage), so why does this fast food restaurant's beverage tower menacingly over the normal, "average" cup? At what point did medium become large? What marketing genius decided that what consumers REALLY needed was a bucket of soda? Was there some focus group that decided 12 oz of beverage was for suckers? I'm really baffled. It reminds me of when I would go to a theatre and get a beverage, only to have the employees attempted to upsale me the bucket for a "quarter more". While I realize I get 20 extra oz for a mere 25 cents, I would point out to the employee that my bladder would surely explode if I even attempted to finish something that size. We're talking a what, 16, 17 oz capacity size for the average human bladder? Is a 64 oz soda really beneficially to the average person?

Someone gave me a microphone

2009-12-04T05:28:24Z

Ah, my first foray into the audio world. Lessons learned: 1) It is hard as hell to talk to my computer when it's not talking back. 2) I say "you know" and "whatever" a lot. 3) Editing is mah friend. 4) I don't really have a four. Enjoy this tidbit of advice being smacked your way.

Keeping tabs

2009-12-03T19:22:38Z

Just the kind of day I'm having:

Couldn't get to sleep until after 1 AM, thanks mostly due to dog's horrendous gastro-intestinal problems.
Woke up earlier than usual to get son up for school, only to find out his Thurs morning early class was canceled this week, thus costing me 30 mins of sleep I could have been having.
Drove half-way to work, stopping to get gas as the car was on E. Hopped out at the pump, open the wallet AND...no debit card.
Drove back home to meet husband, aka "Thief of the Debit Card", aka "Won't get his own debit card fixed already", so I could get some freaking gas in the car. Ended up being ridiculously late.
Computer is acting like as ass to me today, making it take twice as long to do tasks.
My poor lava lamp, keeper of my tranquility and emergency heat source, is overheated.
It MAY be colder in the office than it is outside. And outside is pretty damn cold.
After getting up to sign the birthday card of yet another person I don't know, I inadvertently dropped a Skullcandy earbud into the remnants of a seasoned sauce. I'm not even sure what was in the sauce. The Green Giant bag only said "seasoned". But it's only 70 cals a serving, so it can't be that bad. But that's not the point.
Tried to do yoga, but the combination of lasagna and pets being jackasses were working against me. Note to self: Never eat lasagna again. Delicious, but way too heavy.

Sigh. Zesty buds, indeed.