Monkey Thoughts

Gamer

2010-03-10T04:11:12Z

This review will most likely be brief, cause there's not a whole lot to say. "Gamer" reminds me of just about every other dystopian futuristic movie where a bunch of convicts are forced to play a game in which they either die or survive to play x amount of rounds for freedom. But, of course, freedom is just jokes. Oooh, didn't see that plot twist coming, did I? The difference here is that the "avatars" of the game are actually people, like in the SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE! sort of sense. Controlled by rich assholes. There's also a less violent game which is kinda like the Sims meets Second Life, but with people and fat assholes controlling them. See the theme? The moral to this movie is clearly "Remember how people warned you that you're either getting your ass kicked by a kid or that hot chick is actually a fat dude whacking off? Yeah, IT'S TRUE!" So not a whole lot about this movie hasn't been done before, and in many cases, a hell of a lot better. But you know where this movie kicked all sorts of ass? Random dance scene!! That's right! Why not? A bad movie needs an awesome dance number to confuse viewers into thinking it could have been good. Not just a dance number, but a dance number with killings! (so, you know...kinda violent.)
Watch Gamer (2009) - Dance Scene in Entertainment So there. I just saved you two hours and gave you the best part.

Pondering

2010-03-03T01:31:51Z

The following is an email exchange that occurred this afternoon. Tom Wopat*: Can you change kids to children? Sounds more professional! Me: You mean to tell me, we're not auctioning off kids?? Tom Wopat: I cannot send to corporate email what I am thinking! Me: It's good to go. Tom Wopat: Thank you! I found that rather demeaning. Now here is where I'm at a loss. I have NO idea what was demeaning. The use of the word "kids" to refer to children? If that were the case, wouldn't that be something demeaning to kids and not an adult? Or was it my crack about auctioning off kids? Maybe it's a poor joke, but I fail to see how that could be contrived as demeaning to anyone. It's a valid question. Maybe I was hoping to get some kids at a discount price and my dreams were just crushed**. Now, I have had some serious filter issues today. I was told by a pharmacist that I was signing a statement to not use my son's allergy medicine to make crystal meth, which I answered with "Oh, MAN!!" But see, the pharmacist chuckled. He didn't claim to be demeaned. I just refuse to apologize in this situation. I don't see how I could possibly be in the wrong here. Well...maybe..but no! *Names have been changed to protect the identity of those involved. ** Another inappropriate joke, of course.

Therapy

2010-02-28T23:16:17Z

For a long time, writing posts was a therapeutic process. I could get out all those feelings of the asshats I encountered during my daily life. I'm not sure if I ran into less asshats or if I dealt with them better, but I had less of an urge to get those feelings out. This past week, I found myself longing for an outlet, but just not having the energy to do so-- no asshats involved, but still the need to "talk about my feelings". It's like a scream was building up inside me, but it wouldn't (or couldn't) come out. Internally, I was a basket-case. Externally, I was abnormally exhausted. I think stress was just slowly wearing me down. I often joke about my kids being "out to get me", but this past week it seemed like more than a joke. Normally, one kid is misbehaving and the other is a victim of it. This time, it was both misbehaving and in ways my brain didn't want to process. I always said I'd be a cool and collected parent, able to handle all the various missteps without blinking. Instead, I found my normal reaction is to shriek and run around the house when I come across something I'm not ready for. Like the time my oldest son's friend decided to use our computer for things that were most like blocked at his house. We didn't figure out that part yet, but I responded by...running around my house and shrieking. Sure, I calm down and process in due time, but initially, it's like the blue screen of death in my brain. When I'm done processing, I can move ahead and deal with things just fine. But two major areas to deal with on each kid seemed like a lot. Maybe a major and a minor, or two minors...oof. I was chatting with a fellow mom during the week and warned her that it doesn't get easier. It seems like after they can use the toilet and feed themselves, there would be some minor bumps along the way. Delusional, perhaps. I think there were a few weeks after they were potty-trained and talking and able to communicate what they needed for the first time where I though "Hey, this parenting thing is pretty easy." HA! Fooled me! It looks like the current crisis is ironing out and they are back to walking around with blanket capes on and...well...the blanket capes kinda through me for a loop. They were very nonchalant about it. My other issues was work, which was not so much an issue in the classic sense. I've been a big proponent of not getting emotions involved at work. Perhaps that's a generational thing. After going through a dotcom layoff and two buy-out related layoffs, I've gotten good at taking everything in stride. My outlook is to do what I need to do and carry on as normal. I don't take things personally and I don't look for hidden agendas in every email that goes out. But that isn't the case for everyone. People seem to have emotional ties, and I suppose I can understand that. In the grand timeline, I'm still very much a noob. I don't know. Dealing with other people's emotions in that sort of context is somewhat uncomfortable for me. Too many years being a nerd I guess. But I ended the week with more goals and tasks to handle, and I'm feeling pretty good about that. So the week started off with suck and ended pretty good. Not too shabby after all I guess. And I'm feeling significantly calmer and relaxed. Stress is just monster.

An experiment...no, really

2010-02-22T02:27:29Z

A while ago, for some reason or another, I decided to turn on "Jon & Kate Plus 8". My goal was to see what all the fuss was about this show. I couldn't fathom that people would WILLINGLY turn on a tv show about other people's whiny kids. Just hang out in the 8th circle of hell, aka Chuck E. Cheese, if you need a dose of whiny, screaming kids. I also was convinced that I would somehow be able to figure out how this marriage disintegrated; you know, other than the turmoil of having your life broadcast to millions and the consequences of fame and greed. I kept hearing how the guy was a douche, or the woman was a controlling shrew with fucked up hair. So I watched. Diligently. I have to say, those kids are pretty damn cute and funny, even if their tantrums did make my eye twitch. My youngest son is became very interested in the show, even asking if we could watch together. I think he likes the girls, personally. Even though I thought the show was ridiculous and contributed nothing to my life whatsover, I couldn't look away. The progression of overall douchery was fascinating, as well as the bad hair. I hate to lambaste one person here, but I gotta say..Kate is just a sad situation. On one hand, my OCD/anxiety side understands many of her blowups and freakouts. I get the germs and dirts and too many people thing, believe me. But for crying out loud woman, they make pills for that! Try it. It is really wonderful stuff. On the other hand...oy. I was watching the "Embarrassing Moments" episode and noticed a very clear pattern. According to her, every one of Jon's embarrassing moments were due to his doing something wrong by Kate's standards. Every one of Kate's embarrassing moments were, oddly enough, also due to Jon doing something wrong by her standards. I've always cringed at hearing women describe men as needing to be "trained". Kate is that kind of woman. How many times would she say to him "Ask me what I need when you see I'm stressed"? Dammit, woman, TELL HIM what you need! Not that cheating is okay as retribution. Or wearing Ed Hardy. I guess bottom line is I've discovered both of them kinda suck as people. I probably didn't need to watch any episodes to come to that conclusion...shit. And now, I can't buy anything organic without my husband making a crack at me. Balls!

I condone nothing!

2010-02-22T01:37:29Z

A conversation with my husband while watching a movie with Sean Bean: Him: "What's that movie where he's beating up women and dragging them by their hair and shit?" Me: "My fantasy." Him: "..." P.S. Lady hitting is wrong, people!

Doing shit

2010-02-16T05:29:53Z

I'm all about doing some shit these days. Emphasis on the some. Or the shit, I don't know. My sleep schedule got all whacked up and I had insomnia again. My insomnia is like being a child on Christmas Eve. The mind is tired. The body is tired. Head meets the pillow. And then BAM! I'm awake! Can't sleep! Too much shit to think about! And when I finally DO sleep, the dreams are ridiculous. I've had dreams where I'm referencing other dreams and talking about how crazy they are. I had one the other night in which my husband was refusing to cut his nose hair, which had developed into a thick black mess. He called it his "second mustache" and was combing it out over his existing one, handlebar style. Messed up. I've been trying to figure out the whole pagination thing on the blog, but I'm picky as hell. And I haven't gotten around to reading anything. I've tried, but damn do I pick the most inappropriate times to tackle stuff, like when I barely keep my eyes awake as it is. In other news, if you haven't seen the trailer for The Legend of the Grassman, Monkey Ltd's indie horror flick, check it out below: I'm looking forward to resuming helping on this flick, and it's been getting quite a bit of press lately. I also found out in a seemingly negative review situation (which I won't post because...in the words of Ice-T, that guy can eat a dick), I'm torn between the elation of seeing my name and the emotion of dealing with negativity. I'm not sure what that emotion is yet. It was a sting at first...then a "meh"..then a musing on how I should get thicker skin...then another musing on "Shit, I thought I HAD thicker skin"... then I got distracted and went elsewhere. BUT MY NAME WAS ON SOMEONE ELSE'S SITE! WOOT!! I know...I amuse myself at least. Moving on... I'm also in the process of getting ready for podcasting. Project one involves something for this site that I'm excited about. It will be a collaboration of jackassery and comedy. For project two, I will be donning the producer hat. More jackassery on that one, no doubt. More on these to come very soon. I just need to buy a mic first. I bought a cast iron griddle this weekend, but not a mic. Target does not sell mics in the griddle aisle, else I would have nabbed one. And mics can't make pancakes. So... Shit is gonna get done. LOOKOUT!

30s are not so bad

2010-02-07T18:42:28Z

Tomorrow I hit the big 3-2. 32. It sounds so grown-up when I have to admit that's my age, but in reality, eh...no big deal. When I turned 29, I was an emotional wreck. I was pretty certain that was going to be the last year of my life, socially speaking. No more would I have any fun. I would have to become an adult, as my thirties were looming around the corner, waiting to spoil everything. I was depressed and sullen leading up to that birthday and for a few months later. When I turned 30 the following year, it was no big deal. I had already spent all the energy the previous year on being depressed that I had nothing left, so I just rolled with it. The universe didn't imploded, I didn't suddenly wake up to mom hair; everything was as it was the day before. And although that year started out EXTREMELY rough on the personal end, it looked up quickly. (Funny, add a bunch of mini-crisis to the mix and turning 30 is a walk in the park.) So now I'm faced with 32. On one hand, it doesn't bother me at all. I'll still be the same immature jackass as I always am. On the other, I'm beginning to hear my biological clock, which is amusing considering I already have two kids. I'm going to let that one just roll and clock it up to hormones. My point is...30s are not as bad as we tend to make them out to be. I haven't felt any pressure to measure up to some standard since turning 30, and even if I did I'm the sort of person that tends to shrug those off. I know I'm always going to love video games and despise scrap-booking, and love horror movies and shudder at romantic-comedies and chick-flicks. None of that will change because of a mere number that's supposed to mean something more than how many rotations around the sun I've been here. Let's do this, 32!

My life, in 6 words.

2010-02-05T19:18:38Z

I was reading this article on NPR entitled "Can You Tell Your Life Story In Exactly Six Words?", in which they discussed a book called It All Changed in an Instant . It All Changed in an Instant is a collection of 6-word memoirs from the famous and well-known. At the end of the article, the question is asked to the audience to share their 6-word memoir. I looked at this challenge as I tend to look at all generic/non-personal challenges: completely unnecessary, and yet I am compelled to indulge, thanks to that whole crazy part in my head that keeps me from letting go. But this is a memoir we're talking about here. Not something to be casually balked at and haphazardly tossed around. If that was the case, I could merely toss out something like "I ate too much cheese today" and be done with it. (That is actually a true story. I ate too much cheese today. And I'm lactose-intolerant. Hilarity ensues. Curse you, dairy gods.) No. This is a MEMOIR. I needed to do some seriously soul reflection as I thought about all my life's experiences; all the heartaches, the joys, the obstacles, the epic wins. And then it came to me. A phrase to sum it all up. To sum ME up. Where did I put my pants? Chalking this one up as a big success.

Ode to Frogurt

2010-02-04T00:12:53Z

Unless you've been living as a hermit the past 24 hours, you know that the perhaps biggest thing on television last night was the Lost season premiere. I've only been into the show since last season, meaning I've managed to avoid the fact that the show existed at all. Not a difficult thing for me to do; actually, I suck at watching TV. I have commitment issues. Saying that every certain day at a certain time, I'll be watching a specific show is too much of a commitment for me. If there wasn't a dvr in my life, I'd never watch tv, and even that doesn't always work. (My related articles side bar on my dashboard tells me a certain contest show that shits out questionably talented singers had more ratings. Phooey.) Anyway, a year back or so, I decided to watch the Lost pilot. It kept me interested, so I kept watching, every day, multiple episodes a day, during the course of a really boring work season, until I was up-to-date for the current season. I like that sort of arrangement, because I can tell cliffhangers to go to hell. When I'm current on a show, I have to wait like everyone else. So the point of all this was...Lost was on last night. All plot twists and supposed alternate realities and questions aside, I was elated to see the return of a minor character - a character commonly referred to as "Frogurt". I believe that was a Sawyer-generated nickname, and by far the best. Frogurt is kind of a dick. I'm not the only one that thinks he was one of the best minor characters: Frogurt alone should be reason enough to watch Lost.

A Social Experiment

2010-01-28T03:44:35Z

As many of my (mis)adventures so often go, this particular foray into the world wide web began with a string of tangents. I started on my brother's blog and was scanning his "liked" links. Despite my nerdom, I haven't spent nearly enough time on Topless Robot as perhaps I should. I was clicking through posts and came across this diddy - Cobra Commander Is Waiting to Talk to You. Hilarious, as is the Cobra Commander tumblr site, Cobra takeover. This all led me to Chatroulette, a site I have never been to...not one for chatting online to random people. Not since about 2000-2001ish. Even then was a stretch. But this...was magnificent. You vs stranger. Click for a new random person. I was still not in for the chatting. I was on a personal mission to find Cobra Commander. Alas, I did not find him this time. Ah well. I came across a cam focused on a picture of Toshio Saeki (creepy dead kid from The Grudge), which freaked my shit out. There was a creepy mannequin/mask thing and plenty of stills done in Microsoft Paint asking for a boob flash. As I clicked refresh again and again, I tried to think of something witty to say, but I was drawing blanks. Plus, that requires chatting. And effort. In other news, I need to really get more sleep. As for you, Cobra Commander: One day we shall me. I am certain of it. YEOW!

Image via Wikipedia

The Religion vs Science Debate - Solved!

2010-01-27T03:47:30Z

HA! Not really. Maybe in my mind. I was getting my NYT on, and came across this article about a science teacher in Mount Vernon, Ohio - specifically, a science teacher in a public school who is accused of teaching creationism. Despite the various run-ins I've had with a plethora of religions, creationism is not a concept I've readily embraced at any point in my life. I've always had a more scientific mind. Evolution and science is something that seems to make sense to me. BAM! BIRDS! --- not so much. I live within a reasonable distance of a creationism museum and some of the billboards have made me almost drive off the road. One of these days, I'd like to go there JUST for the experience, but I'm afraid I might have difficulty not laughing or something. I do like dinosaurs though...it's a tough call. When I read this article and see people saying that this teacher is being persecuted for his Christian beliefs, I feel compelled to call bullshit. He is not a teacher in a Christian school, but a public one. His duty is to teach the subject assigned to him with the curriculum guidelines provided. In other words- SCIENCE, not religion. I don't understand why there are people who have a real difficult time with the separation there. This is one of my favorite quotes from the article and called out by many of the commenters:

"If he had 'Origin of Species' on his desk, they would celebrate that."

Go figure...a celebrated work of scientific literature on a science teacher's desk. That WOULD be scandalous, wouldn't it? I was a Catholic-school attendee all 12 years of school. Even so, religion and science managed to remain separate -- for the most part. Our 11th grade term paper was graded by both english and religion class - on the format and the morality issues. My topic was genetic engineering, which would have been really fascinating had my research not been based on a bunch of musty books from the library and had I not done all my research the day before it was due. Ah kiddos... the days before the internets. I also typed that shit -- on an actual typewriter. If I remember correctly, I pulled off a B in religion class for it, but the teacher clearly wanted me to lean more towards the "it's morally wrong" angle and not the scientific approach I took. Which I totally get, because the moral aspect was his grading angle. But for the record...that guy was a dick anyway. The biggest clash of science-vs-religion that I can remember though (and by biggest, I mean most potentially damaging to the atmosphere of true learning) happened my 7th or 8th grade year of science. (I think I had the same teacher both years, so the exact year is foggy). It was the sex ed portion of the curriculum. Up on the projector was the male anatomy - you know, the standard diagram of wang and rectum and all the tubing. I remember the teacher talking about the anus, and then mentioning the "homosexuals" having sex that way, and, as matter as factly as a 60 year old woman can be in a classroom full of awkward teens, she stated "and that's how AIDS was formed". Her reasoning, of course, was that people are not supposed to have sex that way. In retrospect, that gave me WAY more information about her sex life than I should have ever been privy too. Being young and naive, I just accepted that as fact. Course, these days I know that it's all because someone had sex with a chimpanzee...duh... ... Actually, it's called zoonosis. Or "sex-with-monkey" transmission. And I believe this post has run its course. Good night everybody! I'm out!

Really, Facebook?

2010-01-20T20:44:52Z

Yeah, I know it's been a while since my last post, blah blah, I've been sleeping. And taking notes. About things to write about. Creative juices = done flowed. I was checking out my mafia farm in facebook to see if my new crops of thugs needed harvesting and whether or not the jerks who call themselves my friends joined my mafia family neighborhood yet, when I saw the same ad I always see on Facebook -- sorta. It was the "moms go back to school and get your learn on" ad, but with a rather curious alteration: What the HELL is that?? I've given this some thought and decided on a few possible explanations. Maybe the advertiser is trying to infer that without a proper education, one's kids are destined to become ruffians and potentially homeless*. Or, perhaps it meant to say "Join this site and all your personal information will be given to THIS guy who will surprise you with a few weeks of stalking leading up to a home invasion and sexual assault." Or, maybe Facebook ads just suck donkey balls. Hard to say, really. * For the record, I don't automatically assume all hairy beardy men are homeless. Hell, I'm married to a hairy beardy man. Sometimes, he DOES look homeless. And once, his beard got so out of control that he appeared to be supporting a terrorist group of sorts. His beard is like a separate member of the family.

INDOOBLY!

2009-12-30T16:37:42Z

This morning, I stumbled into the bathroom stall barely awake. As I sat there whizzing (too much info??), I found myself humming a tune out of no where. I paused for a second, scanning my mental media database of songs and jingles, only to realize that I was oddly humming the jingle to a 1987 cereal commercial: My initial reaction to this revelation was to exclaim "What the fuck!" .... I do not recommended yelling "What the fuck!" from a bathroom stall. It doesn't look good, no matter how you try to spin it. .... What I love about this commercial (which I still have the words memorized, 22 years later..eeks) is the Jimmy Durante impersonator and the use of the word "indubitably" to describe a kid's cereal. They don't make commercials like this anymore. Now we have talking babies and pseudo-hipsters who love Miracle Whip and Jettas. What the fuck, indeed. Ah-cha-cha-cha!

Redesign 2009!

2009-12-28T00:56:49Z

Part of my goals for a while was to redesign this site to my own liking without the use of someone else's style. Maybe it was a lack of motivation or focus, but it took me a while to actually commit to the project. I'm still toying with a few things, but the main overhaul is done. I'm really enjoying the color scheme I've got. It's not that I don't like blue, I'm just rather sick of it. I worked off a scheme that contained about 9 different colors, and I think it all turned out rather nicely. Now if I can figure out where the hell the "previous" button is...

Merry Christmas and all that stuff

2009-12-26T20:37:16Z

So thanks to the economy sucking, and my money management skills sucking, and wanting to actually pay bills instead of letting them accumulate, I was a little worried how plentiful Christmas was going to be this year. Part of the issue is that Christmas growing up was maybe a hell of a lot different than normal people's christmases. Is that a word? "Christmases"? Spell checker isn't picking it up, so I'm thinking perhaps it is. But I digress. Growing up, we had the "Santa" presents, which was a multitude of gifts in a selected spot. I seem to remember my spot being closest to the hallway and across from the Christmas tree. Then, there were the presents under the tree from the parents and siblings. These were wrapped while the Santa presents were not. Every Christmas Eve, I would be laying in my bed way too excited to sleep, and hit with a fresh dose of anxiety. I'd be frantically wondering if I was good enough that year for Santa Claus to visit. Had I fought too much with my younger brother that year? Had I talked back too much to my parents? What if I wake up in the morning and there weren't any presents for me? It all seems silly now, but I never had one moment where I realized there wasn't a Santa Claus. I was 18 and still had doubts. (And I wonder why I had such a hard time adjust to the real world.) My parents were THAT good. Unfortunately for me, this set the bar really high for me with my own kids. I was so determined to keep Christmas the same as it was for me. I have no idea how my parents pulled it all off though. There were four of us kids, and we were all going to parochial school. They must have started saving in January or something. I, however, kinda suck at saving money too far in advance. Every year I say I'm getting Christmas shopping done before Thanksgiving and every year that hasn't happened. This year felt especially different. There were no big bonuses to be had and the bills were aplenty. I could get the kids the major presents they wanted, but I couldn't do an extravagant cornucopia of toys. And I actually felt bad about that. Then I started thinking seriously about things. What was the point of spending extra dollars to get them toys that they may or may not play with? They have plenty of toys as it is now, perhaps even too much as the result of birthdays and Christmases of past. They got the item they most wanted and a few corresponding accessories. I have to say, they were completely happy. My house wasn't overfilled with tons of packing waste and a million pieces of toys. It was very simple and stress free and definitely how I want to continue Christmases in the future.