I am the proud owner of a fourteen year old.
This doesn’t make me feel old at all.
Fourteen
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Author Archives: dangermonkey
This guy
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So Merry Christmas and all that jazz. I’ve been down for the count. Sunday, I fell in my shower despite two prominent safety bars. I won’t say what I was doing to save some embarrassment, but rest assured I was being a jackass at the time and goofing off. Oddly enough, most of my accidents happen when I’m being normal and the circumstances are shifty. But this time, I decided to goof off in a slippery tub.
At the time, I just broke out in laughter and commented to the husband that I think my back may have been pulled during that. I felt no pain, so
I carried on as usual. We had a visit with our foster dog’s potential adopters. I was able to walk him around their yard with no sign of the pain that was going to hit me. It started to ache on the way home. By the time I got home, I could barely walk into my house. I’ve pretty much been in bed since, with a few attempts at doing things. Our annual Christmas Eve dinner with my family was torturous thanks to two hours on a hard wooden chair. I’ve been avoiding the doctor because I’m certain this will go away on its own. I mean, it should, right? In the meantime, it’s been ice packs, anti-inflammatories, and a lot of Netflix. And a lot of boredom. I hate staying put for this long.
Anyway, what does this have to do with a giant penguin? Nothing at all, except that I bet *his* back doesn’t hurt.
I love Yahoo Answers
Yes, do tell. Nevermind getting my dogs to stop opening the closet or running laps in the neighborhood; I need them to eat spaghetti all romantic-like.
I could be a food blogger
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Cranberry Chutney..thing-y
Except I don’t want to take pictures of the food I make. Maybe if I just focus on other people’s food? Is that a thing? What Someone Else Ate?
The Hobbit – An Unexpected Journey
When writing a review of The Hobbit – An Unexpected Journey, where does one begin? With Peter Jackson at the helm after many years of back and forth, uncertainty, fan anguish, and jubilation, you are guaranteed a fantastic film and representation of J.R.R. Tolkien’s classic. I could mention how Elijah Wood managed to not age in the past 10 years, or how, even more enviable, neither did Cate Blanchett. I watched one of the limited runs in high-frame rate 3D, and if there was so much as a wrinkle out of place, I would have noticed. More on the HFR 3D in a bit.
This chapter flowed naturally with the LOTR trilogy. That’s certainly a benefit of having the same director on board. (For an example of when it would benefit a series to not have the same guy involved, see Star Wars episodes 1-3.) What you get with The Hobbit is a wonderful cast, solid story, and outstanding cinematography. There is nothing bad I can say about any of that. Surprisingly to no one, this is a long movie – 2 hours and 40 mins long. It doesn’t feel it, other than the occasional butt numbness. There is a lot of character narrative in this first film. We get to see our hero (one Bilbo Baggins) become the *hero* type as the story progresses, through encounters with trolls, goblins, orcs, and, of course, Gollum. (Peanut asked me if Gollum was in this one. I misinterpreted that to mean he liked the Gollum character. In actuality, Gollum freaks him out. And he gets a good amount of screen time. Peanut survived.)
Speaking of cast, I totally had moment of glee when realizing that Flight of the Conchords Bret McKenzie was getting screen time as an elf. He actually was in Lord of the Rings: Return of the King as an elf; no doubt the same elf as in The Hobbit since it was 60+ years earlier. Elves don’t age either. It’s magic. I almost didn’t recognize Bret since the beard was gone, but the eyes gave it away. Does that make me sound like a creeper? For you Sherlock fans, Benedict Cumberbatch also has a part. Granted, he’s in the movie for 2 seconds, but that’s okay…he has a much bigger role in the next two films.
Now…onto the HFR 3D. For starters, I haven’t been much of a fan of the 3D movement. Gulliver’s Travels gave me a splitting headache when I saw it in 3D. Granted, it was probably the steaming pile of dog doody that was Gulliver’s Travels than the 3D that gave me a headache rather than the technology, but who’s to say? That movie did not need to be in 3D. I didn’t need to see it in 3D or 2D. Also, my youngest sometimes has really bad taste in movies. I’m just saying. Silent Hill 2, in 3D, did not bother my eyes, mainly because SEAN BEAN WAS IN 3D.
You know what? I am a horrible judge of 3D movies. I’m just putting that out there.
Ah, but The Hobbit. Now that has “see me in 3D” written all over it. The 3D was stunning. It didn’t take away from the film at all but really enhanced the experience. The HFR, on the other hand, takes some getting used to. You know how sometimes on the History Channel or Discovery Channel they film these elaborate reenactments? And you can tell that it’s digital and not film because it is just too sharp? That’s kind of how HFR is. It’s ridiculously sharp, almost to the point of being jarring and cartoonish. Everything looks real, shockingly real, as if you’re sitting there looking at 30 foot tall people hanging out in front of you. Film adds a certain softness to the picture that enhances the illusion. HFR would be fantastic in a National Geographic film. But in Middle Earth? It’s a little off-putting. Those first several minutes were the adjustment period. I found myself able to slip back into the film as the story progressed, and every once in a while I would notice it again. Then I would try to not notice it. Then I would notice that I was trying to not notice and it was just a vicious cycle. I couldn’t help but think if this is the way of the future, I ought to get used to it. That’s not to say it was completely wrong for this film. Any CGI that was used seamlessly blended in. I am not a fan of CGI at all, but with the HFR it worked well. I’m still debating on the weird dog CGI. I think I may need to see it in non-HFR 3D to compare/contrast.
I’m on to you, Moose E. Moose
If that even is his real name.
The real reason he and silent bird friend Zee have disappeared without a word from Nick, Jr?
Because Moose E. Moose is a dirty, dirty plagiarist.
Remember this fun little ditty?
Sound familiar? And I don’t mean familiar in the “yes, my kid makes me watch Nick Jr. all the time” familiar. I mean “hey this kinda sounds like something else” familiar.
Unless you are a fan of Bob Crosby, music of the late 40s, or an avid player of the awesomeness that is Fallout 3, I’m guessing that answer is no.
So I present Bob Crosby’s Way Back Home:
Good stuff, isn’t? So good, Mr. Moose couldn’t keep his grubby hooves off of it. Sure, you can argue that it’s a parody, or in the very least a homage to the original. But Moose E. Moose is too cunning for that. He damn well knew no 3 year old would call him on his song of lies, so he just slipped it right in there like he owned it.
Someone must have noticed though. Who discovered your dirty little secret, Moose E. Moose? Was your disappearance in exchange for their silence? Or was it simply out of shame for entertaining thousands of young, impressionable minds with your music of deception?
Take this as a lesson, people of the internets. Plagiarism is not a joke. It hurts real cartoons, like the perpetually mute Zee. Did Zee have to disappear? Probably not, but what preschooler do you know could handle a whole block of programming hosted by a mute bird? Not many, I assure you. Even the devil spawn of the UK, aka the Teletubbies, had to utter some nonsense sounds. Zee didn’t stand a chance.
I did this to a tree once
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Holiday Gift Guide – Don’t Buy These
It’s that time of year again, when everyone decides to provide holiday gift guides to the masses! I have to wonder if people ever buy things suggested by random bloggers they don’t actually know. It’s fascinating to me, in a weird sort of way. The best way to shop for someone you care about is to give a shit about what their interests are. Or ask them for an Amazon Wish List. Therefore, I’m not going to suggest what you should buy people; I’m going to suggest what you should avoid buying because they make lame gifts.
- A Watch: I have seen more billboards about watch sales for Christmas than anything else this year. My favorite is one of a watch leaning oh so casually against a glass filled with two fingers of bourbon. Nothing says “I love you. I care about you.” like a watch, amiright? NO! Watches are horrible gifts. A watch is something someone receives when retiring from a thankless soul-sucking job. A watch is the go-to graduation gift to that weird nephew because it’s the only thing he can’t taint with his porn addiction. A watch is not an acceptable Christmas present unless you’re being sarcastic about it. I have three devices around me right now that I can check the time on, and none of them is a watch. Watches are a obsolete technology. Merry Christmas. Have this watch that you really don’t ever need.
- A Sweater: Unless your intended gift recipient is the infamous El Guapo, a sweater is a bad idea. They are unwieldy. My grandma once got me a sweater for Christmas that was easily 10 times too big. I was wearing that sweater into my teens. Sweaters are only good for a few months out of the year, so already you’re giving a present with limited mileage. Not to mention, sweaters are a shifty bunch. Sometimes the material is horribly scratchy or unbreathable. A sweater says “I dislike you intently.”
- A Tie: Ties are just bad, thoughtless gifts, period. “Hey, you’re a guy? Have a tie. I read somewhere that guys wear ties.” No one enjoys wearing ties, unless your my 8 year old son who is a strange bird anyway. You lose more points if you gift a tie with a holiday theme. Ties are like outer underpants – insanely personal to the wearer and worn out of obligation, not desire. Would you gift your loved one some tighty whities? Do I even want to know the answer to that question?
- Socks: I lied! Socks are awesome presents! Buy everyone socks! Especially if they live with dogs who love to steal all of their other socks. I’m not naming names. Peanut disagrees with me. He says a box full of socks is a horrible present.
- A Keychain: Do I even need to explain this one? A keychain is one of those after thoughts you grab on vacation to gift the person who watered your plants and killed your pet goldfish.
Keep this list. Reference it when in need, and I guarantee you will buy less sucky presents for the holidays.
Sunset #12,717
We had just stepped out from dropping the foster puppies off at the vet and saw this. I said “I need to take a picture of that!” to which the husband replied “Of course you do.”
He doesn’t appreciate sunsets as much as I do.
Christmases of Past – Noma Bubble Lights
Peanut has to do a presentation on family holiday traditions for school. I’m a little stressed about it as we don’t have traditions in the classical sense of the word. Our holidays can be…tricky. We never know what sort of disaster will present itself as the holidays come around. The important thing is that our family is together and a time is had; magnitudes of gifts are irrelevant.
Holidays were definitely more traditional when I was a child. We went to certain relatives’ houses on certain holidays. Some of the most memorable ones were the ones spent at my grandma’s house. My grandma passed away when I was 10, so I’m almost surprised that so much of those early years are ingrained in my memory. Christmas was no exception. I remember most vividly my grandma’s Christmas tree. I would stare at the ornaments, positively transfixed. My favorite were the bubble ornaments.
These brightly colored bulbs would bubble up with some sort of liquid. I’m not sure what designated them as being “holiday”, but considering the weird cheetah print ornaments I saw today, I’ll take bubble ones any day. The only issue is that they get super hot. I’ve burned my fingers more than once touching the stems, which was not the brightest move but I was just a kid.
I did find a video of these things in action:
Fascinating, aren’t they? I was considering finding some on eBay, but I’ll probably end up burning myself again.