Author Archives: dangermonkey

The Reverse Badass – the Ass…bad?

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Back in June I had this wonderful experience involving a road vigilante, keeping drivers from cheating the merging system. Well, trying to at least. Today I met his evil twin, who probably had a goatee van dyke (know your facial hair) a lá a Star Trek villain. I didn’t actually look cause I don’t acknowledge crazy drivers. I find it gives them a lack of fulfillment if I don’t acknowledge that they are cursing at me.

My route home has been a traffic mess for about a week now. Due to road construction, the left lane closes and merges to the right. A few hundred feet up from that spot, the right lane naturally ends and merges into the left. To avoid the craptastic jam, it makes more sense to stay in the right lane until out of the construction zone and then swoop into the left shortly out of it. However, tonight the right lane wasn’t moving as smoothly as it usually does, even with all the other traffic merging over. I peered up three cars ahead of me and noticed an SUV straddling both lanes. This was quite a bit before any lane merge so I have no idea what his issue was. He was in the left lane originally but clearly did not like to see cars in the right lane passing him up. We must be cheaters of the system, and not road weary drivers who have been following this same routine for a week. As we approached the point of the lane ending, I saw there was just enough room for everyone to squeeze by this chump if they had the guts to do it. I yelled encouragement from my vehicle : “Hell yeah! Do it! DO EEEEET!” I am a poetic rabble rouser, you see. Finally car #1 had enough and maneuvered around him. Then car #2 followed suit. Car #3 paused during the coup to give the driver of the other vehicle a few choice words, no doubt. I was next. I squeezed my vehicle around the SUV and stopped right in front of him. Since I am a wonderfully considerate driver, I let all the cars that were in front of this jackass to merge over peacefully while he had no choice but to wait. Then we headed about our separate ways, the jackass no doubt feeling the sting of his failed attempt to be the boss of traffic. Take note, jackass drivers: you are not the boss of the traffic!

Life is Hard

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It was a rough evening for the puppies. They got their first round of shots and started a second round of de-worming. They are also being treated for a parasite called coccidia, which is apparently common for puppies. Unfortunately, we’re pretty sure Juliet got it as well. She refused to eat her dinner yesterday and turned down a test hot dog. (It was a real hot dog, I was just testing whether she wasn’t feeling well or whether she was just being finicky.) She had a some blood in her stool, which instantly caused me to freak out, but luckily my much more experienced friend (and founder of Louie’s Legacy Animal Rescue, where the puppies will be adopted out through) assured me that it was most likely this nasty bug. So Juliet and the puppies are all on a round of meds. Of course, Juliet is my dog who actually chews her food slowly, so my first attempts at hiding her meds failed miserably. Peanut butter did the trick though. Getting the puppies to take the meds is a little more of a trick. Twix took them without a problem. He is an awesome easy going puppy. Athena and Bernard are a little more feisty, and were spitting the pills out over and over again. I need to rework my strategy with those two.

I can’t help but think this is a punchline to a joke

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I got this email today:

Can you imagine going online to buy a present for someone and coming across a dead dog for sale? What about a dead cat? Appalling, right?

The subject was “Stop the Sale of Dead Parrots on eBay!” and included a link to this petition. That gives me two questions on the matter: 1) Wut? and 2) No, seriously, wut? No, actually my questions are 1) Who is selling dead parrots on eBay and 2) Why the hell is there a market for said dead parrots? I mean, I know the Bloggess has a thing for some weird taxidermy, but not some flopped over dead parrots. Who goes on eBay and battles it out, emotions running on high, for someone else’s dead parrot? And how does one find these dead parrots, because I clearly am using the wrong search terms. (“dead parrot” did not bring anything up that looked remotely like a real dead parrot.)

The only thing I can sort out in my mind is that it must be a type of Monty Python fan looking for a punchline. Even so, that’s good for what, one joke?

People are odd ones.

And for the record, what the hell would I be typing in to come across a dead animal? When I look for gifts on eBay, I’m looking for things like CDs or vinyl or t-shirts. If I come across a dead animal, I need to seriously rethink my searching strategy.

All that really matters is a warm kitty

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We commemorated so-called Black Friday like we do every year – by not participating. We stayed at home, snuggled some puppies and stayed far, far away from any stores. I can’t imagine what would possibly be so important to want to leave one’s family on Thanksgiving (since the stores are opened earlier now).
I was reading this article in the Huffington Post and had to shake my head at this quote:

“You have to have these things to enjoy your children and your family,” said Jackson’s friend Ebony Jones, who had secured two laptops ($187.99 each) for her 7 and 11 year olds.

No, you silly woman. You do not. But you’ve chosen to believe spoiling your kids rotten with things they don’t need will make you and them happy. You’ve decided (as is later quoted in that article) that your happiness must be bought. That is a sad belief if I ever heard one.
Anyway, I’m going to go back to cuddling Zoey and being thankful for what I already have. That makes me happy, and I don’t have to pay for it.

Thankskilling

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So…this happened:

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I can’t decide if this movie is pure comedy genius or the work of a deranged individual. It includes dialog gems such as “My dad has a huge collection of books. I’m sure he has something on killer turkeys” and “her legs are harder to shut than the Jon Benet Ramsey case” – a joke they used TWICE.

I’m really at a loss on how to describe this movie. It’s so bad, so very bad, but in its awfulness I found myself laughing at the absurdity. Some bad movies are unwatchable. This one was impossible to look away from. It’s almost in the same vein as The Room in that regard.

Oh hell, there is no waxing poetic on a movie about a killer turkey. Enjoy this wonderful tune from the movie instead.

In Love With Songza

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I am probably one of the grumpiest, finicky people when it comes to music. Sometimes I absolutely hate every song I own in iTunes, other times I just want to hear one song or nothing, and then there are the times when it is absolutely nothing that I want to hear. I like what I like until I don’t like it on any given day. (How is that for poetic prose?) I’m always on the lookout for “new to me” music and was in the midst of one of my musical slumps when a co-worker suggested Songza to me. I gave the name a side-eye, but decided to check it out as this particular co-worker knows his shit when it comes to music. He owns more CDs than any person I have ever met, has every iteration of the iPod that comes out, and still rocks the vinyl. Music would be his religion if he wasn’t already affiliated with a religion. I envy that sort of passion. Also, his cat tweets, so that is all kinds of awesome.

Songza is a playlist app & website, but with no ads like Pandora. Even better, it has a concierge service that offers playlists based on day, time, and mood. This is the aspect of the app I use the most.

Clicking on the concierge will offer up a menu like this:

Yes, putting on your party dress gets an option. There’s also a sexy times option on some evenings. Bow-chicka-wow-wow!

Ahem. So, let’s say it’s Unwinding time. Let’s get some music to just hang out at home and let the crap of the day dissipate into the void.

WUUUUT? You mean there are more options? It’s not just “relax and that’s it”? No! See, there are even subtle moods in the mood of relaxing. The geniuses behind Songza have figured this out. I’m going to click on “A Rural and Rustic Evening”, because who doesn’t want that in the suburbs with a house full of puppies with errant bladders?

Oooh. Three different playlists to choose from after that. Personally, Harvest Moon is one of my absolute favorite playlists- “A collection of warm acoustic songs, handpicked for enjoying the crisp autumn air, fall foliage, and hot apple cider.”  Well, they had me at hot apple cider. This playlist does not disappoint. Sometimes I relax so much that I fall asleep. No complaints there since the only weird place that has happened was in the parking lot of a physical therapist’s office off an extremely congested street. I take that as a win.

This is hands-down my favorite music app out there, and so easy to handle. Not that music apps are notoriously difficult to handle. Well, AOL Radio was. It was ridiculously squirrelly. How’s that for an endorsement? Use Songza! It’s not squirrelly!

Share Our Strength – No Kid Hungry

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With the holidays coming up, it’s easy to reflect on how good I have it, all things considered. My family and I have relatively good health, we have a roof over our head, clothes to wear, and food on our table. We can somewhat afford to be discerning about what fills our refrigerator and pantry. On any given day, my kids have a choice on what they want to eat for breakfast or what they want to pack for lunch. I hate admitting this, but Peanut has the luxury of declaring how he dislikes sandwiches on that particular day and has the choice to bring something else for his school lunch. But for 1 in 5 children*, the possibility to be a persnickety eater is non-existent, because their choices are non-existent. Those 16 million children* are those who live in poverty and struggle with hunger. I’m not talking about a far-off country either; those 16 million children live right in America and are going to school hungry:

The good news is, it’s a fixable problem. Share Our Strength’s No Kid Hungry campaign approaches the solution from three different focus points: Access, Education, and Awareness. They help provide children with access to solutions like school breakfast programs. They help provide nutritional education to lower income families so that these families can cook healthy and affordable meals. Finally, No Kid Hungry works to actively shine a spotlight on the issue of child hunger in this country.

This is where you come in. For $1, Share our Strength can provide 10 school breakfasts for a child in need. For an entire school year of breakfasts, it’s just an $18 donation. Think about it: if you were dropping off your child to school and saw one of his or her classmates hungry every morning, wouldn’t you feel compelled to bring even an extra breakfast bar to that child? I know I have done just that simple act alone to the child in my son’s daycare who came in day after day with just a bag of Cheeto’s for breakfast. (Cheeto’s are not brain food for a 3 year old!) Consider making a donation and help make an impact in a child’s life. And since the holidays are rolling around, how about making a donation in a loved one’s name? (Look! You get a special card too!)

*Source - http://www.nokidhungry.org/

Daisies!

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I have about had it with this stupid stomach bug. It’s been going on a week too long. I’ve even pre-ordered Thanksgiving dinner, which is something I haven’t done since the one year that my pancreas tried to kill me. I just feel too under the weather to deal with the effort, and three little whizzing machines (aka, the foster pups) are already more than a handful to deal with. Cooking an elaborate meal in between cleaning up the non-existent bladder controls of those three and while feeling perpetually nauseous does not sound like a good time. Sigh.

Oh, so, yeah, check out this unrelated photo that I took. Yeah, daisies!