Remember being an angsty pre-adolescent and getting mad at life, stomping to your bedroom and slamming the door? Whatever woes were scratching at the door could be kept at bay, as long as the door stayed shut and the music was blaring. In my case, it was often dumb, like Madonna or The Bangles. I didn’t quite grasp the concept of “angry” music too well.
Damn, I wish things could be that simple. Short on money? Doorslam. Family drama? Doorslam. Dog pooped in the bathroom again? Doorslam.
Alas, as a so-called grownup, we’re supposed to deal with our problems in a mature fashion. Total bullshit. If I could have just ran to my room, it would have made the insanity of the last few weeks seem like nothing. Thank god for therapists and medication, amiright??
Here’s to hoping this new year gets started without a hitch. If you need me, I’ll be in my room.
The other day I experienced an event that dug up one of my most vivid memories of childhood. It wasn’t an extremely happy memory, nor was it one of immense sadness. It was one of my early life lessons encompassing the following: there are plenty of letdowns in life, and most likely a few bastards at the root of those letdowns.
The setting was a Long John Silver’s, close to Manmouth Caves, I believe. Eating out as a kid always seemed like an event. For starters, it didn’t seem to happen a whole hell of a lot. Sure, there was the occasional milkshake, but most of my experience in a drive-thru as a child involved me in the backseat with my siblings while my parents ordered a cup of coffee, wondering why the hell we never got anything. When we did eat out, it was always at the actual restaurant, a custom that I have a difficult time subjecting myself to these days. (It’s a germ thing.) And forget about whatever we wanted off the menu, it was whatever was cheapest, on sale, or what my parents had a coupon for. For the longest time, I thought Arby’s Beef n’ Cheddars were the absolute top of the line in fast food cause we were only allowed to get them when they were on sale.
So back to Long John Silver’s. There I was, probably around 5 or 6 yrs old, waiting to get my kid’s meal. I remember the lady at the counter telling me there were going to be “all kinds of good stuff” in my kid’s meal. I couldn’t wait. After we left the restaurant, meals in tow, there was a moment either in the car or back at the hotel where I opened the kid’s meal box to discover what kinds of awesomeness would be instead.
The box was empty.
Not a cheap toy. Not a goddamn hushpuppie.
Completely empty. Devoid of “good stuff”.
I was crushed. Someone could have told me right there and then that Santa Claus was made up too, and I would have just thought “That sounds about right.” It wouldn’t have been as bad if the kid’s meal wasn’t so built up beforehand. But this made it seem deliberate in my eyes, like I was intentionally set up to be disappointed. It was literally years before I could go to another Long John Silver’s. (I’m not kidding, I hold grudges.)
Flash forward to last week. I’m at my eye doc’s, getting some new glasses. The tech asked me if I wanted the transitional lenses this time. I decided, sure, why not? Then the tech says “They’ve really improved the transition lenses. They are so much better than before. You’re going to love them.”
In retrospect, that should have been my first sign.
I picked up the new glasses today and put them on once I got back to work. Upon leaving for the day, I stepped outside into the bright sun. And waited. And waited. And realized, it was pretty freaking bright still. I took off the glasses and looked at the lenses. The supposedly awesome and ridiculously expensive transition lenses failed to actually transition. This crashed my poor code monkey mind as I realized this wasn’t something I could de-bug. And then it dawned on me that I had once again been set up to expect awesome only to get a steaming pile of nothing. The only difference is, I actually like my eye doc so I won’t be holding a grudge this time around. My doc’s office staff will be greeted in the morning with a lovely rambling message and will hopefully call me to straighten this out. I think I may demand some hushpuppies too, just for therapeutic reasons.
Poltergeist up next on the remake list
Total shit biscuits, that’s what it is! Fuck a bunch of that shit.
Funny enough, I actually found an article dated last year saying Hilary Duff was going to play Carol Anne in a new Poltergeist movie. And Craig T. Nelson was reprising his role. I’m glad that appears to be fake, but it was worth a giggle.