Monkey Thoughts

Elevator that killed student overloaded

There were 24 people on the elevator and the article says it was over the weight limit by 1,100 pounds. Jeezis. I don't understand folks and their need to get on a elevator right fucking now. Give me stairs anyday. Unless there's like 10 floors to go up. Then I'll just take an empty elevator.

Margaret Mason, who also compiled a list of blog-convo starters and turn it into a book, penned (or typed, rather) an article entitled iPod Etiquette. I find most of the guidelines to be common sense (ex: don't use your iPod at weddings, funerals, and meetings) and some just too Judith Martin for my taste. But this one I found kind of amusing:

Wearing earphones is like hanging a “do not disturb” sign off your nose. Like an engrossing novel, they help you avoid interactions with annoying strangers on airplanes or subways. Unfortunately, they send the same go-away message at work.

Can I just say that some people do not realize earphones can hamper the hearing? Especially rather large headphones? I can't tell you how many times I've had my large headphones on, since a lot of my work is solitary, and someone has decided that I MUST be able to hear them over the music and the large cushiony pads. These are not earbuds. They are visible. And on my ears. Let's factor in someone not being a loud talker by any stretch of the imagination. No way in hell am I going to hear. That's why I love instant messanger programs. It allows one to discuss things without interrupting the music. (And obviously, I'm not talking major project discussions, but more like "I just crapped myself" kind of comments that really don't need any input from me.) Actually, no one's told me that before. I may just take my headphones to hear that one.
So do I use my headphones as a DND sign? No. I work to music. I get in "the zone". I really have no problem talking to people. But it would be fantastic if they didn't just assume I could hear them immediately. Heck, I used to work at one place where we'd throw shit at each other to get the other person to take of their headphones. It was good times. Nerf guns galore.

Landscapers refuse work for gay couple

Here's the basic story. Garden Guy is a Christian-owned landscaping company in Houston. They recently refused to work on a couple's house based on the couple's sexual orientation and even said so in their refusal letter. The couple, understandably, gets upset over this and word spreads like wild fire.

Now, I obviously can understand why the couple is upset. I mean, hell...if I got a letter from a company refusing me service cause of any of the dozen of things a Christian company could take offense to, I'd be irritated too. Yet, it should come as no surprise really. It's no secret how a big section of Christians feel about homosexuality. While it seems fucking ridiculous to me to discriminate on something that really is no one's fucking business, if that is their religious beliefs, it's their religious beliefs. They believe they are upholding their faith and convictions this way. It would be fruitless to attempt to convince them that it's silly, especially if they think they are being "warriors of God" or whatever. At least they're not taking the Fred Phelps route.

So yes, it is so trivial and stupid to not be accepting of all people, but as a private business, do they have that right? Maybe. I don't know. It seems like such a gray area. And I know nothing about business law. But then I think in terms of "Could I patronize a company that I knew to be this discriminatory?" I don't think I could.

Fuck. Too many deep thoughts for 1 AM.

You're on a boat..way far away from the dock...when suddenly, the shit plague breaks out and you can't go anywhere to escape. Because you're on a boat. In the middle of the ocean.

Boat docks with 700 sick passengers

That would make a good horror movie.

More things to warm my heart this season.
Lisa Jensen decided to hang up her wreath this year. Her wreath happens to be in the shape of that widely known peace symbol. You know, peace. That GOOD thing. We like peace, right?
Apparently not. Her home owners association, run by a Bob Kearns, has told her to remove the wreath or face a $25 a day fine . Why? Because apparently we don't want peace when the boys are away at war. We want WAR. And supporting the troops! Because peace would mean no war for the troops to go away to! And then how the hell could we support them? GODDAMMIT, WE NEED OUR YELLOW RIBBONS!
At least, this is what I imagine is going on through Bob Kearns' head. Cause you apparently can't support the troops and be pro peace. And you can't wish for peace without making an Iraq statement. Despite the fact that this whole peace concept wasn't suddenly invented in the past few years.
Oh, and some people allegedly think the peace symbol is satanic. Not sure what that is about.
Whatever. I just hope Lisa Jensen tells them all where to stick it. It's not like she's got a whole "Bush is an ass" sign or "WMD are for fools!" sign hanging around. It's a freaking wreath. If she had a "Peace on Earth" banner hanging out, would they make her take that down too? Talk about overreacting.
If I had a spare $25, I'd send it to her to cover the cost of one more day.

Truce called in that whole peace wreath fiasco

The association apologized and withdrew the request for her to remove the wreath, as well as the threat of a fine.

...
You know, I don't think my dry sense of humor is really evident in that title. I don't want anyone to think I'm sappy or some shit.

In order to help save money, China Southern airline is asking that passengers drain the weasel prior to boarding

This made me remember the good ol' portable urinal I used to see in those miscellaneous catalogs as a kid. I was always fascinated by the concept. Having siblings and going on the whole family vacations thing, I couldn't understand why the hell anyone would want to relieve their bladders while amongst family members. What part of the country has ridiculously long stretches of road deeming pulling over for a bathroom break impossible AND lacks bushes?

Maybe a traffic jam. I could see a portable urinal being useful in one of those really bad multiple hour long traffic jams.

9 out of 10 Americans are dirty, dirty sluts*

Chew on this tidbit:

Even among a subgroup of those who abstained from sex until at least age 20, four-fifths had had premarital sex by age 44, the study found.

You know why? Cause they realized "Holy shit, I'm 40 and haven't gotten the sex! I'm borderline 'old man balls' syndrome."

Of course, when you only poll 38,000 out of 300 MILLION people, how accurate can those results be? It's more like 95% of people polled are dirty, dirty sluts*. I also love how only about 5,000 of those polled were men, as if there's some assumption that, being the dirty sluts* they are, men would skew the results.

*I don't really think they're sluts. I just enjoy saying dirty sluts.

7UP to drop the whole "All Natural" act

Yeah...High fructose corn syrup isn't natural, no matter how much the Corn Refiners Association want to claim it is. When I think of natural, I think of things that occur in nature to begin with. I don't tend to think of a big ol' extraction process going on. Goobers.

That being said, 7UP is a fine soft drink, whether it be natural or processed or shitted out by lemon-lime fairies.

Satellite Navigation Systems are trying to kill us, thus bringing us closer to the Rise of the Machines

You know, I'm sure there's a joke in there about these folk just blindly following orders...but I'm going to pass on it. Besides, I'm sure I'd be inclined to follow along if I had a navigation system that talked to me. Or I'd curse at it and tell it to "Shut the fuck up, who made you captain of this ship?" Or I'd hide because my car was not only talking to me, but trying to order me around.

I also realized that "satnav" is the cool lingo for these things, and yet, I feel like a damn fool using it. Satnav. Satnav. Yeah, it's just not working for me.

Using a lite brite device made to look like a possible bomb is a sign of trust and friendship

I can't decide if this is incredibly stupid or incredibly genius. Either way, it's pure insanity. I'm curious as to whose idea this all was and who approved it thinking it would go over well. With one arrest already, it will be interesting to see how this story pans out.

I love the Mooninites.

Faux Fur Often Dog Hair

I'm staring suspiciously at the coat my mom bought, which has a bit of faux fur on the hood. Bleck.

Napping at work a good thing

I can't tell you how many times I've said we needed a nap time at work. Now it appears we really DO need a nap time for the interest of our health.

My favorite line:

It is likely that women reap similar benefits from napping, but not enough of them died during the study to be sure

The guy sounded almost disappointed that not enough women died. Nice!

Man Claims to be both Christ and the Anti-Christ in a span of several months

Emily and I were wondering how the hell a man who is an admitted former heroin junkie gains enough fans to justify world tours.
I said crack in the punch, but I'm thinking perhaps it's China white.

Man, this has taken mind boggling to a rather painful level.

And that "de Jesus" thing? Totally made up.

But I'm in the mindset that the purpose of attending school is to receive an education. Radical thought, isn't? When I read stories about this Bong Hits 4 Jesus situation, I have to roll my eyes. There's a part of me thinking "Ah..youths, thinking they know everything...rebelling against 'the man'." Then I remember I'm not old as hell yet, so why the hell am I saying "youths"??

To me it seems very cut and dry. You're in school, you follow the administration's policies. It's not a place to be "expressing" yourself or having the full benefit of freedom of speech. Debate club, yes. But a school function? C'mon already.

Without policies and structure...well, kids might as well be on a playground all day. And it's not the whole "drugs are bad" thing that gets me about this case. Frankly, I couldn't care less if he was promoting drugs or if it was an "Eat at Joe's" banner. Hell, I'm pretty sure Jesus would love a good bong now and then. It's that people believe school is the soapbox for all this sort of shit. There is a code of conduct for a reason. Schools aren't stepping on any toes by taking an anti-drug stance and not allowing clothing with pro-drug messages, or clothing with violent/sexual images and messages. It is simple code o' conduct basics. Now random drug testing and random searches--I see a problem with that. Hell, I have a problem with ear/eye/blood pressure tests at school without my consent. When I was in school, they used to do tests for scoliosis. Nothing weirder than having to take of your shirt and bend over for a complete stranger. But isn't there a reason people have doctors? Do the majority of folks not take their kids to a yearly check up and that is why someone along the line decided that we needed to check blood pressure and scoliosis at school? What the hell was the thinking process here? Let's make kids lives at school as awkward as possible?

But I digress... (I still have some pent up irritation due to a blood pressure check in high school during my study hall. And the scoliosis thing still gives me the creeps.)

This jackass even goes to say he was trying to piss off the administration. So because he got in trouble for being a little shit, he decided his rights must have been violated. Oooh. The controversy.

All I have to say is this: If you're 17 and feel like making a lame statement, do it on a Friday night far away from school grounds. Then you can bitch and moan when your civil rights are violated, if indeed something happens.

From the CNN article on the CNN Center shooting

The suspect warned Williams, "Get out my way, pimpin'."

"I knew you don't say that to someone unless you got something," said Williams

Wait, what? Get out of my way, pimpin? That is threatening how? How does that imply anything? Since when did "pimpin" become a noun, and a noun that symbolizes that the user of the word is carrying a loaded weapon?

I'm so lost.

Apparently, in some parts of the Midwest, the cicadas are going to swarm again. Now personally, I think the cicadas are kinda gross as far as bugs go. Not on the same level of cockroaches or hairy spiders, but nonetheless gross. So why is it every time these 17 year cicadas come out, there's inevitably an article or a blurb in an article about someone who wants to eat the damn things?
I have to say, that is no way on my list of "Things I must do before I die".

I'm not entirely sure what to make of this.

So..ahem...this panda, Xiang Xiang, was bred in captivity and then released into the wild. But that only occurred after 3 years of survival training. Yes, survival training. For a panda. To add to the story, the theory is that a gang of wild pandas chased him around, ultimately factoring in Xiang Xiang's death.

Now, I'm no scientist by any stretch of the imagination, but common sense tells me that no amount of "survival training" or kickboxing classes or self-defense classes can turn a captive bred panda into a wild panda. Not gonna happen. It's much like no matter how much you think you tame a wild animal, it can still very well maul the shit out of you once it gets tired of your stupid ass. And that was not a cheap shot at Siegfried and Roy. Okay, I lie...it totally was.

Secondly...are there really gangs of wild pandas that chase after candy-assed captivity bred pandas?

Finally, I am now going to try to use the phrase "candy-ass" more often.

Here's a beaut.
A woman is claiming that she was harassed over her child's sippy cup while at the airport. The TSA is saying they dealt with the situation just fine and that she was the one overreacting (news link here). The TSA actually went ahead and posted the security footage of the incident (and I absolutely love that they put it in the MythBusters section).
The incident is viewable here: http://www.tsa.gov/assets/wmv/dca_incident2.wmv (It's a 45 mb file).
At one minute into playing time, you see the cup incident. Her side of the story is that she was trying to take a drink and it accidentally spilled. Their side is that she intentionally dumped it.
Around 1:02 on the video, I see a shake of the arm. Never once did the cup approach this woman's lips. I see dump, arm shake, and then her trying to storm off. If you accidentally spill a beverage, you don't shake the cup to get every last drop out.
Looks intentional to me.

Woman yanks off testicle with bare hands

AND TRIES TO EAT IT!

YARRRGGGGHHHHHH!

There is only one response I can think of for this story:

Slate has published an absolutely wonderful article that I think everyone should read and take to heart. Its subject matter should be taught in every school right beside fire safety and "stranger danger". That's right folks. Life-saving information.
What to do if you are surrounded by a street gang monkey hoodlums

You know, those monkeys are goddamn bastards sometimes.

Caught a story on Reuters today about a children's Advent calendar in Germany that includes the imagery of a serial killer from the 1920s who killed a good number of boys (Story here)

Totally messed up. Merry Christmas!

I read this bizarre article on Newsweek that described the 'rebel movement' occuring in Chile's youth. They call themselves "Pokemones", love their anime and gadgets, and entertain themselves with a little thing called public orgies. I say bizarre because to me, technophilia and anime doesn't seem to have a logical connection to public orgies in my mind, but hey...what do I know? And I realize that I'm not quite *that* old to be making comments about youth today, but what the eff? Seriously?
We used to rebel by stealing street cones or knocking over signs or sneaking out of the house and breaking curfew. Maybe some underaged drinking. But not public sex romps for spite. That's just...well how is that even effective? I predict an upsurge of STDs in Chile.

I've seen this story making the rounds on the internet, and I figured I'd weigh in too.
Basically, a 72-yr old man in Kansas was convicted of 'aggravated indecent solicitation of a child'. Part of his sentence was that he needed to post signs on his house and car identifying himself as a sex offender. Now a few years ago, I would have been like 'you're goddamn right, but this isn't nearly harsh enough', but I seemed to have shaken my vigilante-esque attitude of late that encompassed the belief of removing body parts off of offenders. I guess I began to understand that such an action, aside from being completely insane and barbaric, would not really accomplish much especially since the core of the problem does not stem from a couple of nads, but from the mental aspects. This punishment just seems..off. As I've seen other people mention, if the man is truly a danger and the judge feels people need to be warned, then lock the dude up. If not, there is no point in doing this unless the intended result was to stir up some true vigilante nuts and have them harass the guy. It's a difficult issue to be looking at, especially as a parent. I cannot honestly say that if someone harmed so much a hair on my kids' head that I wouldn't go utterly ballistic and unleash some raw animalistic maternal ass-kicking to reciprocate, because I know I would lose it completely. (I am the person that called my son's first soccer coach's wife a rather unpleasant name because she was getting a little too close to my son with her car, but in my defense I did not realize it was the coach's wife. Had I known, I would have chosen a much less controversial insult to toss her way completely behaved myself. Yeah. He didn't rejoin that team the next season. Too awkward.) I suppose it's quite easy to allow ourselves to dismiss those deemed unfit for society , dehumanize them and condemn them to a sub-standard lifestyle, but there is just something in my gut that tells me this accomplishes nothing in the long run for our society. I certainly don't want to seem like I'm sympathizing here with the 'bad guys', as I cannot possibly understand what would make a person think it was okay to do something of a sexual nature to someone who's not anywhere near sexual maturity in the physical sense. I just don't feel like this was the most effective sentence the judge could have come up with. It'll be interesting to see if it holds up.

...that the sanity level in the human race gets lower and lower.

You know, I will be the first to admit that I don't "get" a lot of performance art. I suppose my brain functions on a more logic-geared blueprint than is required for such art. I'd like to say it's because I outgrew that stage in my life where I looked for deep meaning and hidden subtext in such things, but honestly I don't think I ever was in that stage. I blame it all on the drugs I didn't take. It's not that I don't think it's good to spark conversations or force people to look beyond the status quo; I'm all about that. Does smearing feces on a painting urge me "to move beyond the superficial material plane to a higher level of spiritual contemplation"? Uh...not really. In fact, it makes me think "Damn. If that's all it takes to get some sort of fame...why didn't I think of that?" It also makes me wonder both where the 'artist' procured said dung, and whether or not he wore gloves while handling it. (I really am no fun for these artists.)
So I'm not really surprised that the latest controversy-inducing artist to pop out on the scene decided to raise the bar in terms of "how can I possibly disgust people even more", as the elephant dung, while getting some people's knickers in a twist, was fleeting. And if you're going to be a fame whore, by all means BE a fame whore. That leads us to our latest story . Add one woman, donor sperm, a turkey baster, and herbal abortifacient into a large bowl. Mix well. Film the alleged abortions, splatter the results on some sheets, and call that mess "art". Garnish with a dose of "this is supposed to evoke a dialog on a woman's body and its roll" for added zest.
I answer this with a "um...do what now?" This doesn't anger me or make me scream about the morality of the project. I am just wondering why is it when someone in an art program or with a school backing them or the right sponsors gets her period all over a bed sheet and hangs it up, it is considered "art" but if a regular ol' person such as myself did that, no one would be pondering on the function of my uterus or engaging in a dialog about women's roles in life? Instead, people would think I was completely out of my mind. If a regular ol' person tied a up a dog and let it starve to death slowly, no one would be examining it for a statement against animal cruelty; instead, the person would be hauled off and charged.
It baffles me. It really baffles me. I'm not sure why there is a degree of allowance with these things when done under the pretense of art, or even if there should be. Like I said, maybe I'm not designed to understand such things. Perhaps I'm not hip enough to believe that every bodily function could pass as an artistic expression. I suppose on one hand, these artists were successful. They've disgusted people into speaking about their actions and managed to gain their 15 mins of fame, whether positive or negative. Let's have a dialog on that.
And then after that, let's discuss how unbelievably nasty it is to put your bodily fluids on display for the world to see. I mean, come on now.

(And is it me, or does 'let me bleed all over the place and film it" chick look an awful lot like Elizabeth Peña? It's eerie.)