http://www.monkeythoughts.com/ en Copyright 2009 Thu, 28 May 2009 00:05:25 -0500 http://www.sixapart.com/movabletype/ http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss It was a dark and stormy night -- scratch that.. It was rainy, kinda gray, and in the middle of rush hour traffic. As I sat through "stop and go and stop some more" traffic, something caught my eye. To my right was a Ford Explorer with a very distinctive personalized licensed plate. When I see a personalized plate, there's usually a few things that come to mind. For example, "Yeah, dream on buddy", "WTF is that supposed to mean?", "They can have THAT, but I was denied Monkee?", and the rare "So that's the person out of all the people in the state that scored that one...nice." What happened this particular evening was more in the vein of the last two. You see, the license plate simply read "GOD". I was speechless for a few seconds, then gave it a second look. Yup, that was "GOD". I'm not sure how someone was allowed to nab God, but good for them. That's when the jokes began to pop in my head. "Oh. OH. So God drives a gas-guzzling SUV, hmm? "Always pictured him as more of a hybrid type-deity." And then, "If that's God, who would HIS co-pilot be?" That's when it happened. The car in front of me was turning right onto a street, when his car just stopped moving. That meant that I had to make my car stop moving right away. My foot stomped on the gas, kicking in the ABS. But my car wasn't stopping, but rather skidding. A hybrid of words and yelps can out of my mouth as I tried to wrangle my car back into control. It finally stopped, but I couldn't tell if I had hit the other vehicle or not. As I pulled off the road behind the other driver, I realized that all of this happened right in front of a police officer. I was cursing my luck under my breath as I hopped out to check with the other driver. To my absolute shock, both cars were unscathed. Apparently my vehicle had merely grazed off the side of his car, leaving no damage. This was a warning shot, no doubt. As we hopped back into our respective cars and drove away, me passing the officer who was still waiting to turn at the light, I had one fleeting thought: "Okay, maybe it was wrong, but you still have to admit it was funny." http://www.monkeythoughts.com/2009/05/a_potential_warning_from_the_m.htm http://www.monkeythoughts.com/2009/05/a_potential_warning_from_the_m.htm Random Thu, 28 May 2009 00:05:25 -0500 Well, don't we all?]]> http://www.monkeythoughts.com/2009/05/adobe_was_unsatisfied_1.htm http://www.monkeythoughts.com/2009/05/adobe_was_unsatisfied_1.htm Random Fri, 22 May 2009 01:28:21 -0500 The other day I experienced an event that dug up one of my most vivid memories of childhood. It wasn't an extremely happy memory, nor was it one of immense sadness. It was one of my early life lessons encompassing the following: there are plenty of letdowns in life, and most likely a few bastards at the root of those letdowns. The setting was a Long John Silver's, close to Manmouth Caves, I believe. Eating out as a kid always seemed like an event. For starters, it didn't seem to happen a whole hell of a lot. Sure, there was the occasional milkshake, but most of my experience in a drive-thru as a child involved me in the backseat with my siblings while my parents ordered a cup of coffee, wondering why the hell we never got anything. When we did eat out, it was always at the actual restaurant, a custom that I have a difficult time subjecting myself to these days. (It's a germ thing.) And forget about whatever we wanted off the menu, it was whatever was cheapest, on sale, or what my parents had a coupon for. For the longest time, I thought Arby's Beef n' Cheddars were the absolute top of the line in fast food cause we were only allowed to get them when they were on sale. So back to Long John Silver's. There I was, probably around 5 or 6 yrs old, waiting to get my kid's meal. I remember the lady at the counter telling me there were going to be "all kinds of good stuff" in my kid's meal. I couldn't wait. After we left the restaurant, meals in tow, there was a moment either in the car or back at the hotel where I opened the kid's meal box to discover what kinds of awesomeness would be instead. The box was empty. Not a cheap toy. Not a goddamn hushpuppie. Completely empty. Devoid of "good stuff". I was crushed. Someone could have told me right there and then that Santa Claus was made up too, and I would have just thought "That sounds about right." It wouldn't have been as bad if the kid's meal wasn't so built up beforehand. But this made it seem deliberate in my eyes, like I was intentionally set up to be disappointed. It was literally years before I could go to another Long John Silver's. (I'm not kidding, I hold grudges.) Flash forward to last week. I'm at my eye doc's, getting some new glasses. The tech asked me if I wanted the transitional lenses this time. I decided, sure, why not? Then the tech says "They've really improved the transition lenses. They are so much better than before. You're going to love them." In retrospect, that should have been my first sign. I picked up the new glasses today and put them on once I got back to work. Upon leaving for the day, I stepped outside into the bright sun. And waited. And waited. And realized, it was pretty freaking bright still. I took off the glasses and looked at the lenses. The supposedly awesome and ridiculously expensive transition lenses failed to actually transition. This crashed my poor code monkey mind as I realized this wasn't something I could de-bug. And then it dawned on me that I had once again been set up to expect awesome only to get a steaming pile of nothing. The only difference is, I actually like my eye doc so I won't be holding a grudge this time around. My doc's office staff will be greeted in the morning with a lovely rambling message and will hopefully call me to straighten this out. I think I may demand some hushpuppies too, just for therapeutic reasons. http://www.monkeythoughts.com/2009/05/disappointment.htm http://www.monkeythoughts.com/2009/05/disappointment.htm Fabo Wed, 13 May 2009 00:53:18 -0500 *A pastry-type food, often stored in the breakroom freezer. ]]> http://www.monkeythoughts.com/2009/05/work_email.htm http://www.monkeythoughts.com/2009/05/work_email.htm Random Mon, 04 May 2009 15:06:24 -0500 I came across someone today after a complicated stream of consciousness. Essentially, I was thinking about writing and thinking about how the issue with writing for me is the fear of coming off like a pompous ass. A specific pompous ass. This thought prompted me to google said pompous ass; unfortunately, I could only remember the name of his shitty entry in an internet film contest from almost ten years ago. Maybe ten..not sure. Regardless, with some creative googling I found the ass, who I'll call Baldy Spanks (because I lack wit, but NOT immaturity). Turns out Baldy Spanks had a plethora of blogs attributed to him, which didn't surprise me the bit. Then I thought "Surely a megalomaniac such as Baldy Spanks has a Twitter account." You see, if goddamn Oprah has an account, I'm pretty sure everyone and their mom does. And if my mom gets one, I'm leaving. No offense to my mom, but I have principles to stand by. (These don't require any sort of protest on my part, so they don't fall under the "needs passion" guidelines.) I find Baldy Spanks on Twitter--no surprise there-- and browse over his posts. I find the last few posts going on about how he's gonna do some "crazy ranting". OMG! Epic! Crazy ranting! LOOKOUT! The build-up was too much...I HAD to click on the link of said crazy ranting. I skimmed the intro post to see it was described as more *gasp* ranting! And it promised to be oh-so random. Oh, and it was "rated" NC-17. Now to me, NC-17 holds the promise that I'm going to get to see a lot of t & a and perhaps a couple of dicks sans penetration. Was that over the line? Shoot. let me do that again... Now to me, NC-17 holds the promise that I'm going to get to see a lot of toast & apricots and perhaps a couple of [censored] sans [censored]. I'm not entirely sure how this would happen on an audio podcast, but I remained ready to be wowed. Show me your toast! I'm not entirely sure if I need to state that listening to Baldy Spanks drained a little bit of my soul out with it, but it did. And since when did throwing out the word "fuck" cause something to be NC-17 anyway, cause that's all it was. I listened to him bemoan modern culture and trash new media and proclaim that certain folks be arrested for essentially insulting his pseudo-indie wanna-be edgy tastes in media. It was kinda like listening to someone desperately trying to be the Everyman's Quentin Tarantino and failing miserably. Sad thing was, it wasn't that his ideals were so out there, but his delivery was so goddamn dramatic in a "Aaah! Fuck the world! I'm the hip! You suck! Eat it!" sort of way, followed up with a self-promotional type "Look at me! I'm the hip! I told everyone they suck and they can eat it! I'm raw! And edgy!" manner. I decided to check out what Baldy Spanks recommended in terms as cutting edge stuff, and it was...well...there are no words really...but I saw a cartoonish wang, so it must be cutting edge right? (/sarcasm) In other words...Baldy Spanks has not really changed much in the past whatever years. I find that sort of consistency rather comforting, in an odd sort of way. I will leave you with this parting thought..one uttered perhaps every time Baldy Spanks was trying to convey his true emotion: "It's like....fuuuck." (I know, I am indeedy a pompous ass. Ah well.) http://www.monkeythoughts.com/2009/04/eau_de_douche.htm http://www.monkeythoughts.com/2009/04/eau_de_douche.htm Rants Tue, 21 Apr 2009 00:00:38 -0500 I have felt for some time an overwhelming need to censor myself. I'm not sure why..maybe I'm trying to be tactful or keep from making waves. But I have to think that the people who really know me outside of a computer screen would know when I was making the jokes, so why the hell would I worry? That being said, I have wanted to make this crack for a while...and if you don't understand, you probably aren't meant to. Ahem...I'm going to learn how to shop from Whole Foods, but I need sponsorship and donations to do so. Okay, now I feel better. http://www.monkeythoughts.com/2009/04/and_just_to_get_a_few_things_o.htm http://www.monkeythoughts.com/2009/04/and_just_to_get_a_few_things_o.htm Rants Mon, 20 Apr 2009 23:52:42 -0500 just now bragging about going green when the rest of use were pushing Reduce-Reuse-Recycle. AIDS is still being spread around and teens still haven't figured out the safe sex mantra. Corporations and people alike seem greedier than ever while the structures of the economy seem to be crumbling. These are people MY age who bought cars and houses they couldn't afford and lusted for more material items. What the fuck happened? How did we go from trying to change things to perpetuating the problem? We've become self-centered douchebags and are helping feed the egos of countless more generations of self-centered douchebags. True, I am probably glossing over the larger issues at the center of this mess we now find ourselves in. I suppose my disillusionment is something of a beast at this point. I don't mean to imply that I don't feel strongly about certain issues; I just lack the desire to really pursue these issues beyond holding that belief. What would the point be? ]]> http://www.monkeythoughts.com/2009/04/once_more_with_passion.htm http://www.monkeythoughts.com/2009/04/once_more_with_passion.htm Random Mon, 20 Apr 2009 22:50:35 -0500 I had started this year with the best intentions. Although I'm not one for New Year's resolutions that are rarely kept, I wanted to give myself a list of goals for 2009. Not stuff like "I will not eat cake", but something with more meaning; something that would ultimately work towards fulfillment on a higher level than my pants size. (There's a joke in there, I'm almost positive of that.) So that was my first approach to the New Year- a list! I maybe spent a whole 2 minutes pondering over said list until I inevitably got distracted by some shiny object and all motivation I had was swept away in the mental hurricane in my head. Sure, I've had those random two seconds here and there where I think I should really get around to this damn list already, but it has yet to happen. So now, in April, I am forced to rethink my strategy and find some new approach. I've decided to instead make a list of the things I do manage to accomplish this year, so on December 31 when I'm pondering where the year went, I can look back and say "hey, I kicked some ass this year!". I'm almost positive that this method will allow me to end the year on a high note, regardless of the current economic situation and whatever else happens. Of course, this new plan is not without its own cons: I still need to actually write stuff down in order to keep track. In essence, I'm setting myself up for failure. Well, I thought it sounded like a good plan at least. http://www.monkeythoughts.com/2009/04/resolutions_are_for_suckers.htm http://www.monkeythoughts.com/2009/04/resolutions_are_for_suckers.htm Random Mon, 06 Apr 2009 23:37:57 -0500 ]]> http://www.monkeythoughts.com/2009/03/night_of_the_invisible_man.htm http://www.monkeythoughts.com/2009/03/night_of_the_invisible_man.htm Movies Sat, 14 Mar 2009 19:28:40 -0500 I'll be completely honest here; I'm not entirely sure how normal people manage. By normal, I mean people who maintain sort-of extracurricular activities beyond work while balancing a family life. I keep my schedule to a bare minimum and I barely find the time to handle that load. Get up, get the kids up, get ready for work, take the kid to daycare, get to work, get home, dinner, clean up, get the kid to bed, time for the other kid to go to bed, exercise, get to bed. And yet there are people that toss in book clubs and parties and girls night out and sports clubs and scout meetings...how the hell do they do it? Seriously? I have two kids' soccer teams looming out in the horizon and already my brain is spinning trying to think how I will manage to keep things toppling down on me. I will admit that time management has never, ever been my strong point - after all, it's been HOW LONG since I last posted? But I just don't see where to squeeze out more time, except by perhaps eliminating some hours of sleep. Clearly I missed some sort of super-multitasking 101 course or something. I guess I should just suck it up and stop whining. I'm just awed that people are capable of running like machines and DON'T go completely insane. I can't help it...I like having scheduled xbox time to kill off a few hundred zombies. It's training, you see. Training for the inevitable. Oh yes... http://www.monkeythoughts.com/2009/03/struggling_to_keep_afloat.htm http://www.monkeythoughts.com/2009/03/struggling_to_keep_afloat.htm Random Thu, 12 Mar 2009 23:21:34 -0500 Dear Kellogg, I am writing to express my recent dissatisfaction with one of your products. Recently I purchased a 18 oz box of Kellogg's Rice Krispies cereal. That would be the original formula; I've never been one for complicated Rice Krispies. It defeats the purpose of buying Rice Krispies. Regardless, my personal preference of toasted rice cereal is not germane to my issue. Upon purchasing said box of cereal, I noted the following message on the front of the box: "INSIDE Walt Disney World Resort mini pal collectible". As any parent with more than one child would attest to, those words sent shivers of pure terror up and down my spine. Immediately, I found myself concocting peace treaty-demanding scenarios in my head as a result of my kids catching on to the fact that there was a FREE TOY in their presence. Oddly, they never noticed. A few days went by, and the dreaded box of Satan's temptations sat untouched on my kitchen counter. That is, until tonight. It was not the kids who approached the box, but I, a grown woman who wanted a bowl of delicious, yet "gets soggy entirely too fast for the price they charge" cereal. As I lay my hands upon the blue box of promise, it dawned on me that there was a FREE TOY in my presence. A FREE TOY that had yet to be claimed by the children of the house. I employed the tried and true rule of "FIRST" and greedily opened the box of cereal. Now, I would like to think that in my 30 years of walking this planet that I had figured out the best way to retrieve free loot from breakfast sustenance. I've had the practice, after all. First, I removed the still-sealed plastic bag from the box, as most cereal companies have learned that putting a packaged item that's been in contact with God knows what into intended food is rather disgusting. Eying the inside of the box returned only a recipe for Rice Krispies Treats (already know it, but thanks) and an order form for the mini pals. I looked back at the front of the box and confirmed that it was stated that a mini pal would be physically inside the box. It even says "Actual Item May Vary", which roughly translates to "Don't get your hopes up for Mickey. You'll probably get Mater or Goofy." The next step is a bag perimeter check. I swished and crunched the cereal in the sealed bag to determine the whereabouts of the mini pal, but my check yielded nothing. It was time to resort to the final step: arm submersion. You see, this is the last resort because a) one is sticking their body into food intended for consumption and b) it's rather messy. But I was determined to get my mini pal. I had it all figured out in my head too. When my kids asked where the toy was, I would simply tell them that Kellogg's forgot to put one in the box. Yes, I was willing to LIE to keep a FREE TOY. Re-read that line just so you realize how serious I am about free toys in my cereal. I opened the bag and dived my arm in. I was up to my elbows in the innards of the toasted rice goodness. I felt the tiny pieces crushed under my desperation and try frantically to prevent me from moving about. Krispies began to tumble out of the bag in a fruitless attempt at freedom. Then I felt something! It felt like the definite edge of plastic packaging. I pulled and pulled, but to no avail. Irritated, I inspected the bag where my hand clawed maniacally only to realize I had been tugging at the other side of the cereal bag. I searched every square inch of the cereal and nothing was to be found. Kellogg's, you have crushed my hopes, much like I crushed the tiny Krispies in my futile attempt to find a 4-inch Disney toy. You may argue that it serves me right, seeing how my heart had become darkened with the reprehensible desire to horde the toy for myself and not to, oh, the kids in the household. But I implore you, what kind of world would we be living in if the basic structural integrity of the law of "FIRST" was kicked to ruin and rubble? I do not want to live in that world; I do not. My heart may one day heal and perhaps I will forgive you of this horrid transgression. Until that day comes my friend, I shall resort to acquiring my toys the "old-fashioned" way and will sit in quiet resentment, begrudgingly eating my Rice Krispies. The original kind. Thank you for listening. http://www.monkeythoughts.com/2008/12/dear_kellogg.htm http://www.monkeythoughts.com/2008/12/dear_kellogg.htm Rants Tue, 30 Dec 2008 00:46:28 -0500 hoax. 2) The hitcher beastiality - 38th in Google search In neither of "The Hitcher" versions did bestiality occur. Sure, you could theorize and say "some jackasses got effed hard in the a", but that is merely a metaphor. Perhaps it is a story one was searching for, about a hitchhiker on a lonely road and an unfortunate goat? If that is the case, I would recommend altering the search terms to be a bit more specific. 3) Monkey with lipstick from scary movie -7th in Google search ... The monkey's name was Jackson Reeves, which, you have to admit, is quite a fancy name for a primate. He wants everyone to know that he does not wear lipstick on a regular basis. The night before the shoot, he got completely wasted on cheap bourbon and ditch weed and put on Revlon Super Lustrous in Cha Cha Cherry on a dare. Unfortunately, he woke up late and had to rush to set to film his scenes. Seeing how he passed out the night before, Cha Cha Cherry was still smothered all over his face. The director loved the look, and thus it stayed, creating lingering proof of Reeves' after-hour activities. 4) How to remove poop stain - 46th in Google search I once had the unfortunate task of removing poop from my own carpet and made a remark on my blog, thereby sealing in history the most commonly awkward search term I see, month after month. It is a cringing favorite of mine. Let's face it people...there's a lot of people's rugs getting pooped on, so for the love of all that is good in the world, do not play by the five second rule! I now have hardwood floors, which makes the removal SO much easier. Additionally, I received a comment from Angie in Texas with steps on how to deal with said poop. That can be found in the comment section here. 5) Nipples in hustle & flow - 9th in Google search I can only wonder if the searcher wants to know if there are nipples in "Hustle & Flow" (yes) or if I have pics of them (no). If it's the latter, I have a course of action I recommend to appease the mind for want of nipples. First, proceed to a mirror. I recommend one in private, unless you are a kinky sonuvabitch and want the world to see your business. Next, remove your shirt and any upper body undergarments you have on. Look, nipples! Now stare intently at the reflection of your nipples and begin to softly serenade yourself: "You know it's hard out here for a pimp/When he tryin to get this money for the rent/For the Cadillacs and gas money spent/Because a whole lot of bitches talkin shit" See? Sexy, isn't it? 6) One dick at a time - unknown The fact that I couldn't find where my page landed in Google's search (got to the 118th and got bored) says a lot for the dedication of this searcher. So I pose this question to him or her: why one dick at a time? Clearly, you have the stamina and the will needed to take on more than one dick. By all means, do it! For the rest of you, take that search phrase as a new motto for life: One dick at a time. No more, no less. 7) Punishments for dirty sluts- 49th in Google search Nipple clamps and whips, no doubt. And maybe a bath. And some hand sanitizer. 8) Gout of the dick- 12th in Google search A quote from "True Blood", but is it a real medical condition? You tell me. 9) My cat is trying to eat me - 12th in Google search You have my sympathy. I say, try to eat it back. See how the bastard likes it now! (Don't really try to eat your cat. Just subtle threats will do.) 10) My sim aquarium dead fish - 9th in Google search I actually see a few hits from various Sim Aquarium searches. I would like to state that I was a horrible sim fish keeper and you should not come my way for any such advice, for it will only lead to certain death and destruction. If you want that sort of sorrow in your life, by all means, ignore the fish for awhile. Otherwise move along to a more successful fake fish owner and they shall lead you to prosperity. ]]> http://www.monkeythoughts.com/2008/12/content_reevaluation.htm http://www.monkeythoughts.com/2008/12/content_reevaluation.htm Blog blog Tue, 09 Dec 2008 00:09:46 -0500 named "Spanish". Certainly he wasn't expecting me to remember three years of high school Spanish and a few Nickelodeon shows to exchange meaningful dialogue? Ah, but he was. He answered "Um..Spanish?" to my partially freaked out "What?" In the next few nanoseconds, my mind raced and poured through what tangents I did remember from Spanish class, but nothing seemed to fit. How the hell did I convey to him "that I only had three years worth, and, honestly, the last one being a good 13 years ago. Surely my linguistic prowess in such things is non-existent!" I cleared my throat and said "No" with as much sympathy and condolence as I could muster. Yet, it typical jackass manner, I managed to say it with an accent. I wasn't aware one could accent a one-syllable word such as "no", but I pulled it off. I could hear my subconscious justify this atrocity "Well, maybe if I say it like it's a Spanish word, he'll understand me." Of course he would freaking understand me. He was probably expecting either "no" or "sí". The caller hung up the phone and then it occurred to me "if only I knew how to say "But I'll find someone who does!" in Spanish. It also occurred to me that I could have accidentally said the few words I do know and have confused the man, so I'm feeling pretty good that I didn't. Way to go self. Way to not be a complete jackass this time! ]]> http://www.monkeythoughts.com/2008/12/making_the_easy_fairly_muddled.htm http://www.monkeythoughts.com/2008/12/making_the_easy_fairly_muddled.htm Random jackassery Mon, 08 Dec 2008 17:08:01 -0500 Pure goodness.]]> http://www.monkeythoughts.com/2008/12/i_wish_i_could_write_a_script.htm http://www.monkeythoughts.com/2008/12/i_wish_i_could_write_a_script.htm Random Fri, 05 Dec 2008 16:49:04 -0500 I guess I've been on a Coen movie kick lately, but it's all wavy gravy cause they do some solid work. Miller's Crossing is an older one that I haven't had the chance to see before, but I remember way back in the day being very struck by just the trailer. This film had all the makings of a good one: very strong, well defined characters; a complex story full of twists and turns; incredibly breathtaking photography and atmosphere; a well-fiting score to segue the scenes and action together. I really couldn't think of one negative comment for this movie except that the story required undivided attention. As one who watches a lot of foreign films, you'd think this would be no problem for me, and yet the rewind feature was my friend. I wouldn't so much classify this film as a cut-and-dry gangster film (or 'gangsta' as I almost types- what the hell?) but rather more of a character piece. Maybe, perhaps, an "Albert Finney in yo face!" piece. I feel unmotivated tonight, so for a synopis, check out the IMDB page here. Or just take my word for it that it rocks and Daddy Warbucks can kick all sorts of ass with a Tommy gun and rent it already. Do it. ]]> http://www.monkeythoughts.com/2008/11/millers_crossing.htm http://www.monkeythoughts.com/2008/11/millers_crossing.htm Mon, 17 Nov 2008 23:46:22 -0500