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This is a movie so unbelievably bad that I had to take notes during it. Yes, spoilers galore. But hey, turn it on Netflix Watch Instantly and suffer along.

• Oh look. The setup. Either she's being stalked as a teen or she'll end up fucking nuts.
• WTF? Are these a bunch of late 20s- early 30s trying to pass as 18 yr olds??
• We've got the drama stereotype, the whore, the whore lesbian. Missing the token diversity - oh wait, nevermind.
• This soundtrack licks balls. sweaty, smelly balls.
• Ah, this guy lost his brother. We have a connection! A love connection!
• This is ny. Of course there's a robbery. And of course these two freaks happen to be there.
• New theory - damaged guy is the killer. And his brother was the killer from before.
• Do this many people really go gaga over the white stripes?
• Okay bitch, your sister was killed years ago. Get over it psycho!
• They make drugs for this, I'm almost certain of it.
• Aggh! Crazy handheld camera guy again! How does no one notice this fuckface?
• Gavin has got to be fuckface.
• Ooh text message! How hip! How now!
• Ra is gonna bite it soon.
• Bad guy wears a tie! Oooh!
• Dudes doing dudes enjoy the outdoors? WhAt?
• These people suck at sex.
• This acting is painful. Okay, act confused. Okay, now act angry. Wait, you didn't change your emotion.
• Uh oh! Creepy shadow. All of the sudden.
• Did 5 mins get edited out of the film? What the hell are they talking about?
• Oooh...valley girl goth. "Okay, in this scene, you are clearly irritated and bored with these people. Yes, feel free to employ every cliche in the book to show the audience that you're bored."
• Ooh, a finger. No one panic. Except the crazy chick.
• This script must have been written by a guy...just based on how the "lesbian" character is written.
• What, are they in some space time vortex where it suddenly becomes night?
• Hmmm...a guy and a woman wrote the script.
• The problem with this movie is the lack of ninja kicking. Well, it's one of many problems. But seriously. Man with knife. Ninja kick. In the nuts.
• "Well. We've arrived at the destination. Let's not look around or anything. No clue here."
• Yeah, throwing shoes at dogs IS awesome. Dumbass.
• Another question comes to mind...how is sweatshirt guy avoiding blood splatter?
• I forgot who this Gavin guy is and why this chick is so obsessed with finding him.
• When you hear knocking on your trunk, you should NEVER open it.
• FINALLY. A GODDAMN NINJA KICK!
• I love fake technology. And bad guys with the ability to magically show up in places despite the laws of physics.
• I still say Gavin is fuckface. I don't trust him.
• Well that was predictable.

Note: This post will be chock loaded with spoilers. Normally, I try to avoid spoilers, but I don't see how I can adequately make my point without them this time.

Ah...The Collector. A movie I really knew nothing about other than seeing the trailer a few times. I read nothing up on it, so I went in fresh. Not intentionally, mind you. This was actually a movie that Netflix thought I'd like. But they think I hate good movies and like crap, so.... 

The jist of the movie is such: a dude decides to rob the house of his employer, only to find out he walked into a home invasion of the most elaborate kind. In fact, I think the title should have been changed to The Most Elaborate Serial Killer Ever Versus The Man of Fail.  

You see, the serial killer doesn't just walk into a house and kill people. No, that would be too simple, and simple killing is for fools. This guy makes serious plans. He comes with knives and fish hooks and razor blades and guillotines and bear traps and acid to set up a plethora of booby traps all over the place. By all over the place, I mean damn near EVERY ROOM IN THE HOUSE.

Clearly the guy has all sorts of free time on his hands in between the whole trying to kill people thing. Booby traps are one thing, but these are so completely over the top that it's humorous. Plus, I'm almost certain he was wearing a luchador mask, which is not exactly terrifying. I was waiting to see some cool flips. 

Next, there's the man of fail. No matter what this poor schmuck tries to do, or who he tries to save, he fails miserably. In fact, had he just left the house instead of trying to be the hero, everyone would have probably been better off. Not that he was someone you really cheered for anyway. All we really know about the guy is that he has an odd name (Aardvark or something), was potentially in prison before, has a gambling wife, and steals shit. Tug at my heartstrings some more, why don't you?

I'm not sure where the suspense was supposed to be in this movie. Am I supposed to hope that Man o' Fail makes it out okay and goes back to his life of a crime peacefully? Am I supposed to hope that Lucha Libre kills them all off and goes on his merry way without being caught? Frankly, I didn't care for either. I just wanted the movie to end so I could go to bed.

I've been a vegetarian for a little over 2.5 years now. This is actually my second run at it. The first occurred in high school and lasted a good 5 years or so until I had a car accident and craved an Arby's roast beef. I may have hit my head during the accident...
While my first attempt was motivated from a conscience stance, and also cause the goat scene in "Jurassic Park" traumatized me, as well as the concept of "City Slickers", this second go-around was due to health reasons. At some point, something internally said "fuck it" to meat, and I found myself very sick all too often. I decided to cut out meat and see what happened, and, aside from my sleep issues, I've been much improved. Being the only vegetarian in the household has had some challenges, such as the need to sometimes make two separate dinners and not being able to go to certain restaurants for their lack of veg-friendly options, but we've made it work.
One step that I'm still trying to push is the organic move. We toyed with the idea but never had that real push to commit. Then I stumbled upon Food, Inc.. That movie was an eye-opener and I've been recommending it to everyone and any one ever since. It looks at the industry that is food, and who the big shots are that essentially have say over how things are produced. It's done in a very non-grotesque way; you're not going to see all those disturbing slaughterhouse shots of animals, but you see some of the conditions briefly. I think what disturbed me most, other than all the hormones and antibiotics being shot up into the animals, was the treatment of the farmers and owners of the livestock and the real lack of control and freedom they have over their own goods. Aside from realizing "Holy shit, I don't want my kids to eat hormone chickens", I realized "Holy shit, I don't want to be eating any genetically modified soybeans!". Yes, even us poor vegetarians are affected. Monsanto, from Agent Orange fame, has modified the soy bean, and if you're not buying a vegetarian burger that specifies it's anti-GMO or that it's organic, chances are you've got some tasty genetic soybeans in that burger. Slowly but surely we're making the switch. We've found local farms to buy grass-fed beef, farm-fresh eggs, and dairy products. We've also used some delivery services that will deliver the afore-mentioned and organic fruits and veggies as well. It's like Christmas when we get our delivery. No, seriously...I've had a hard time sleeping the night before because I knew there'd be a delivery when I woke up. It's ridiculous, considering 1) it's fruits and veggies and 2) I'm freaking PAYING for it to be there. Ah well. Christmas it is.

I encourage everyone: watch this movie. Realize the crap that is in the basic foods in the grocery store and stop eating it! Support your local farmers. Buy local! Do it!

Okay, I'll get off my soapbox now.

When I heard they were making a sequel to The Descent, I had mixed feelings. On one hand, I really enjoyed the first movie, so seeing a continuation of the story piqued my interest. On the other hand, I don't feel as though some stories need to be continued. The Descent had an abrupt ending, to put it mildly. It worked fine in those circumstances. My mom (yes, her again) used to say at the end of most movies "I have questions!", meaning that she liked everything to be concluded and wrapped up in a nice package. At some point, however, the storyteller needs to say where the line is going to be drawn and what is going to be left up for the audience to ponder over. That gives us stuff to talk about post-movie with coffee.

Someone felt that they had questions and that The Descent needed a follow-up film. I waited patiently for it to come out in theatres, and then found out this morning that it's on DVD already. Granted, sometimes I fail to pay attention and things slip by me, but really? There's no way I would have missed this coming out. Turns out, it just hit the festival circuit and got sent to DVD. And I can honestly say after watching it that I understand why.

The Descent Part 2 took out most of what I loved about the first one, which, honestly, makes perfect sense as it's a sequel and not a remake, right? Still, it felt like there was something that was just lacking from this film. First off, the new characters lacked any sort of real likability to them. There were just "there", perhaps to up the body count. It was almost sadly predictable to be able to label them in order of their deaths: "Definitely first. Those two will be the duo kill. This one won't get killed fast enough.", etc. A good portion of the movie should have been cut with the title "Meanwhile..." as Airk Thaughbaer wandered around the cave system DOING NOTHING OF INTEREST. (Side note: I recognized the actor Gavan O'Herlihy from his role in Willow. Yeah, what the hell?)

Now there were some jumps, but some were practically rehashed from the first film. Besides, it's not that hard to make someone jump, especially in a horror movie. The gore was decent, and yet cartoonish at the same time. I also found myself unwillingly getting the answer to the question "Do these cave things poop?", which was a scene that just made me say "Now what was the point of that?" 

The original had an all-female lead cast. Not sorority girls running from a masked killer with their boobs bouncing every which way, but strong females who were goddamn cave diving. The original made me physically feel claustrophobic at times. It was creepy, not just for the creatures, but because of the whole atmosphere of the film. Creatures or not, the thought of being lost in an uncharted cave system is freaking scary. The creatures just added more to that. In part two, it was really the only thing going for the scare factor. As for the ending in this one, it just made me question why I watched the movie at all. It was really a disappointment. I think I'll stick with the original and pretend the second doesn't exist, kind of what Halloween H20 tried to do about Halloweens 3-6. And what I do about Halloween: Resurrection. 

Anatomy of Hell

I watch a lot of strange shit. I'm at the point where not much phases me. But nothing quite prepared me for this movie. I'm not sure what to think or say about it, so I decided to express my thoughts by suggesting some alternate titles.


"Check out this enormous vagina"
"Why is there lipstick on my wooha?"
"Why is there a garden tool up my ass?"
"Look at THIS big wang"
"Men suck and hate women"
"Men hate vaginas"
"If you pay a gay man enough money, he will stay for a few days and stare at your naughty bits. And he will have sex with you despite being gay. And maybe he'll cry afterward. Oh, and since he's male AND gay, he hates women more ."
"For fucks sake, don't put that in your mouth."
"I almost puked in my mouth."
"That time, I did puke in my mouth."
"When you say 'hump them like goats', how are you coming to that comparison?"
"Did we mention we were French?"

I don't get queasy often. This movie managed to do it to me.
 

This review will most likely be brief, cause there's not a whole lot to say.
"Gamer" reminds me of just about every other dystopian futuristic movie where a bunch of convicts are forced to play a game in which they either die or survive to play x amount of rounds for freedom. But, of course, freedom is just jokes. Oooh, didn't see that plot twist coming, did I?
The difference here is that the "avatars" of the game are actually people, like in the SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE! sort of sense. Controlled by rich assholes. There's also a less violent game which is kinda like the Sims meets Second Life, but with people and fat assholes controlling them. See the theme? The moral to this movie is clearly "Remember how people warned you that you're either getting your ass kicked by a kid or that hot chick is actually a fat dude whacking off? Yeah, IT'S TRUE!"
So not a whole lot about this movie hasn't been done before, and in many cases, a hell of a lot better.

But you know where this movie kicked all sorts of ass? Random dance scene!! That's right! Why not? A bad movie needs an awesome dance number to confuse viewers into thinking it could have been good. Not just a dance number, but a dance number with killings!
(so, you know...kinda violent.)

Watch Gamer (2009) - Dance Scene in Entertainment

So there. I just saved you two hours and gave you the best part.

A conversation with my husband while watching a movie with Sean Bean:

Him: "What's that movie where he's beating up women and dragging them by their hair and shit?"
Me: "My fantasy."
Him: "..."

P.S. Lady hitting is wrong, people!

I had this utterly brilliant idea for a script and I want to pass the goodness to the world as a treat. Here world, have this nugget and savor it. Let it melt in your mouth as you inhale the sweet aroma. Let it drip... okay, I'm freaking myself out now.

I call this idea "Figgy Pudding". It's a slasher flick. Close your eyes. No, wait..you won't be able to read this if you do that. Pretend you are closing your eyes so you can pretend to imagine the structure I'm throwing at you. Let's say our main locale is a dorm. Eh, I know what you're thinking: "Dorms are SO overdone for Christmas slashers." True, my friends. But we need a single location of terror for this to work and "convalescent home" just doesn't have the same ring to it. That's a whole other issue of terror there.
Okay, so dorm-like setting. Enter the carolers. The carolers are the new mutant cannibal backwoods folks for 2010. Trust. The carolers seem oh so sweet and normal, but deep down they are some crazy bastards. They enter the scene singing at the dorm's steps. Maybe the dorm inhabitants poke a little fun, cause we all know that college students are all jackasses, right? Unfortunately for these jackasses, the carolers have picked them as their target for the evening's festivities (wink wink). As they get to their closing song ("We Wish You A Merry Christmas"), they get to the verse about figgy pudding:

But these freaks are serious. They want their figgy pudding and they plan on killing until they get it. Unfortunately for the college students, no one knows what the fuck figgy pudding actually is, so of course no one has any on them. Then the stalking and killing begins, complete with over the top death scenes utilizing any and all improbably mortal Christmas decorations, along with corny one-liners like "Your balls have been jingled".

So there. Take it, love it and give it a home. Just don't name any of the characters some stupid shit like "Maximilian Stead" and describe him as "the wealthy, playboy type" or this entire deal is null and void, I shit you not. It's important to have standards, even for shitty slashers flicks.

And check it out: flaming figgy pudding!

I started writing this post several months ago and sat on it for a while until I had actually seen the movie in question. Being informed, yo!
Back those some odd months ago on a message board, there was an increasingly heated discussion over the upcoming film "Orphan" and whether it paints older adopted children in a bad light and furthermore whether doing so will affect the future of older child adoptions.

Yes, I'm being quite serious.

Although by discussion, I mean more like "OMG THIS MOVIE IS HORRIBLE THE CHILDREN THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!!11!!". And yes, I'm grossly exaggerating.

It's a bit difficult for me to wrap my head around this sort of knee-jerk reaction, but nonetheless, I try to be understanding, really, and respond rationally to thoughts like this. I guess some basic human genetic workings can allow me to see that yes, this could be a sensitive subject for some people. I realize that I'm biased, from someone who aspires to be more involved in the movie business and as someone that watches a hell of a lot of movies. And cause I'm just too incredibly awesome for words. YEAH!

But with that in mind, my approach to this topic is one of logic. You see, it's my belief that if a person is so impressionable to think that older children are evil because of something they saw in a movie and therefore not worthy of adoption, then that person is not in the right state of mind to be adopting a child anyway. This could be, perhaps, an unpopular opinion, but mine is that just because one has the capability of becoming a parent doesn't mean they should go ahead and do that.

One could argue that movies do provoke a visceral but sometimes subconscious feeling in us that can leave a lasting imprint on us. I, for example, still look at the crawlspace to the attic with some irrational trepidation because I think to myself that the Grudge could quite easily make her way down there and get me. But when I think rationally and without this emotion, do I honestly believe that? No way. No, really... I know it's fake.
When I had my youngest son, and I was in the hospital holding him in my arms, there was a marathon of none other than "The Omen" movies. Sure, I did eye him a little suspiciously, but did I really think he was going to be a Damien? No way.
So I would hope that anyone looking to adopt a child would think through the idea rationally and not allow a movie to influence that decision. To me, that's the normal response to have.

Now, like I said, I watch a hell of a lot of movies. Some are very violent or some can be grossly misogynistic -- a topic that tends to get my fires o' wrath burning -- or they deal with uncomfortable subject matter. But I still see those movies as a story someone felt the need to tell. More importantly, they should be allowed to tell that story, regardless if people's feelings can get hurt, and we should have the choice to listen to their story or not. Life is not a comfortable existence where we all walk around placating each other. How unbelievably dull would that be, not to mention highly impossible?

My stance has been, and always will be, if you are offended, don't watch it.