If you would have asked me last Thursday how I am doing, I would have told you that I was fantastic. I felt the worst was behind me and I was moving forward. I was comfortable with where I was emotionally. I hadn’t cried in days…weeks even. Maybe a month. It was good.
Then last Friday happened, and forced all my feelings that I thought had gone away right up to my face to glare at me. Why was this happening? I had made progress. I was pretty sure I was through all the stages of grief and onto acceptance. I was looking forward to what was in the future.
Now for the past week, I have cried more than I have for the past two months. It was like dealing with the heartbreak all over again. I was once again in a million broken pieces trying frantically to pull myself together. And for what?
I hate feeling like someone’s fallback plan.
And that’s how I felt. I didn’t feel like I was worth coming back to because of love, but because I was some sort of safety net. That doesn’t make a person feel all that great.
I pull Oracle cards on a regular basis for direction and guidance. It’s kind of like tarot, but not the same deck or set up. One card that comes up time and time again is the one entitled “Cleanse & Detoxify”. I pull it any time I am neglecting myself in some way – not eating right, not getting enough sleep, overworking myself. This time, I believe it was referring to the toxic situation I was putting myself in. When it comes down to it, I have two very clear choices: continue to be miserable and wallow in the place I’ve fallen in, or refuse to stay down here and continue on the path that I had begun foraging. I’d be a fool to stay miserable. I’d whine about it being hard to pull out of it, but I was slapped with some truth talk today from a friend – “KEEP TELLING YOURSELF IT’S HARD AND IT WILL BE.” I pointed out that this advice could also be used for men suffering with ED, as it is almost impossible to have a normal conversation with me.
I can’t help but feel lost regardless. I feel like some progress slipped away from me and that I have to work back up to where I was. A few weeks ago, I was told to flip open a Book of Answers for some direction on what to do next. The page I opened to said ominously “Mishaps will occur.” At the time, I felt dread, but I was reassured that I just need to take the mishaps, learn from them, and move on instead of beating myself up over everything thing, which is good advice for anyone unless your mishaps involve some sort of crime or something. Or if you’re the type of person that just looks for something to blame other than yourself. That could be a bad mix. “Oh, sorry I slipped up and stole money out of your wallet. Mishaps occur, amiright??”
I have a trip coming up in a few days, and getting out of town always seems to be the perfect bit of detox that I need. I’m trying to stay focused on that an not allow my mind to go back to wallowing.