Monkey Thoughts

I stepped into the local pharmacy this evening. My mission was simple - I needed latex gloves. However, the gloves were not located in places that I thought would be logical to put such items: first aid, cleaning supplies, next to the lube & condoms. Since I was unable to locate the gloves myself, I needed to stop at the counter to ask on their whereabouts. It was at this moment...this random moment in time...on any random Monday evening...that I get stuck behind a Pain-in-the-Ass (PITA). As Pita was buying her prescription, the following conversation took place:

Pita: Don't you need my signature?
Pharm: No.
Pita: I don't need to sign for my prescriptions anymore?
Pharm: No, you signed the privacy notice, so you're good.
Pita: How do you know you have the right person?
Pharm: You verified your address.
Pita: But how do you KNOW it's me? I'm not trying to cause any problems, I'm just curious.
Pharm: ...um
Pita: What if it was someone else trying to get my prescription?
Pharm: I don't think anyone else would WANT your prescription. (That made me giggle.)
Pita: Oh..uh..no. Not this prescription. But what if it was a controlled substance?
Pharm: How would they know?
Pita: I don't know. But what if it was?
Pharm: How would they know you were getting a controlled substance? It's not like we advertise that when you get your prescriptions filled.
Pita: Oh, I know. I'm just asking cause in high school, I was learning about pharmacy and we learned about controlled substances. (After hearing this, I began the countdown to kicking her ass.)
Pharm: Right.
Pita: Um. Ok. Well, thanks.

(Pita walks away, and the pharmacist and I have a moment where we both looked ready to strangle that woman.)
Me: Do you have latex gloves?

Seriously, why waste people's fucking time like that. I came very close to just losing it with her and screaming "ARE YOU YOU? THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP!" It's not like I had my family waiting in the car or anything. I had plenty of time to spare. /sarcasm Actually, I kinda regret not interrupting her in some manner (not screaming in other words), but I just couldn't look away.

• A wall to gently, yet repeatedly, bang my head into


• A bottle of Shaid


• A few boxes of Pocky


• A video game that involves shooting something


• An appropriate tune to play on repeat. Something catchy.

This is the day of having to redo shit over and over again and, frankly, it's driving me a little insane.

This shit is bananas.

There are two things that annoy the piss out of me.

The first is when person A is talking TO ME and person B decides to answer for me, even though I'm right fucking there and not incapacitated in the least bit.

The second is when I'm talking to person A for a bit and out of nowhere, person B decides to jump in the conversation and answer for person A. But considering person B seems to have issues letting people speak for themselves, this really comes as no surprise.

I really, really, REALLY wish I had the Brick of Silence.

Today was one of those days.

I had never wanted to bitch slap so many people in my life.

You know how you're in a situation (not necessarily bad, yet noticeable), and everyone + their mom finds some way to make the same goddamn Captain Obvious comment, yet each one thinks they're being funny or witty or cute or charming or whatever. Except they're not.

I swear to fuck, after hearing the same comment for the 10th time today, I was ready to man someone with my hand.

To the woman in the red car who seems to share the same general living space as me:

Are you fucking serious? Did you really get out of your car, get your things out, get ready to walk into your apt only to jump right back in your car to take my parking space the second I pulled away? My parking space, which was just diagonal from yours (a perfectly fine space by the way). It got you a whole ten feet closer to the building. Woo. Ten whole glorious feet. You're not crippled, not old, not in any sort of bad shape. And you have barely a handful of things to carry. Was the ten feet really freaking necessary for you to have that you were willing to re-park your car? Or was it to placate some deep "I got the first spot" desire you have?
And don't even act like you left and came back, cause I was only gone for three minutes AND I saw you backing up.
For the record, I'll park at the ass end of the lot if need be. I don't care. But I just wanted to let you know how damn silly you are.

That's all.

Anyone who went to grade school, especially Catholic grade school, knows the horrible existence of the Christmas concert. We hate it as a child and then when we send our children to school, we have to attend the damn things yet again.

This year was different. William's school decided to have the Christmas concert during the "real Christmas season", which translated to "a week after Christmas"- or as I like to say, "completely made up shit". Now as tempting as it is to point out the glaring flaws in this master plan, I thought "Okay...whatever". In the end, I was too sick to actually go, but I was debriefed on the festivities. Here's my problem. If you're gonna make a big stink about the "real Christmas season" and the Epiphany and keeping the focus on Jesus, perhaps singing such hallowed and solemn hymns such as "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" and "Have a Holly Jolly Christmas" isn't that way to go. I'm just saying....

And they ruined Christmas!

So this past weekend there was the whole Live Earth shindig. Initially, I was thinking "Ooh, sounds groovy" and all. But frankly, I'm getting really tired of hearing celebrities tell everyone to do shit. I suppose it is nice that they are "using their power for good" or whatever, but it would be nice if they just donated time/money without trying to earn bragging rights. Take Cameron Diaz for example. She should just shut the fuck up. We get it. You were one of the first people to have a hybrid. Woo for you.

Anyway..Live Earth. Here's my problem with it. The whole thing is about global warming and what we can all do to save the planet. Now let's think numbers. 24 hours. 7 continents. 100 music artists. So that's 100 artists that need to travel for the concert- planes, buses. 100 artists that need electricity to perform. 100 artists with ridiculous riders that probably end up wasting most of the food anyway. Now the audience. Tens of thousands of people, all of whom needed transportation to reach the concert. At concerts, people get hungry/thirsty so calculate the waste created from water/drinks/food. Live Earth was broadcast to over 100 TV channels, 200 US radio channels (and more in a total of 130 countries), and 8 satellite channels. So now we have the transportation for camera crews/radio broadcasters, plus the energy expended to broadcast. Calculate the energy used for the TV audiences, radio audiences, and the 8 million people who streamed internet coverage.

Now let's look at part of the pledge:

• To take personal action to help solve the climate crisis by reducing my own CO2 pollution as much as I can and offsetting the rest to become “carbon neutral;”

• To work for a dramatic increase in the energy efficiency of my home, workplace, school, place of worship, and means of transportation;

Hmmm...It may just be me, but it seems like Live Earth was a big freaking waste of energy and kinda hypocritical.

And one more thing...what the HELL was up with the map of the world done with recycled bottles or cans or whatever? Am I supposed to believe that there wasn't better use to be made of all those items?

To the woman with the particularly bad haircut who cut in front of my son for a Harry Potter book:

I just wanted to let you know a few things. First of all, I hope you feel really good about yourself for cutting in front of an 8 year old. That is quite an incredible achievement, one that you should feel proud about for a long time to come. Second, I want to commend you for setting such a shining example to your own spawn. Nothing says good parenting like acting like a complete dipshit.

But the real reason I'm writing is that I want to stress a few points to you. I knew you were going to cut. I have an instinct about people like you. Maybe it's your posture or the way you try to avoid eye contact when I glance at you. I'm not sure entirely, but I have never been wrong about a potential cutter. You should also know that you are extremely fortunate, as I have never let a line cutter get away with it, ever. "What makes me so special?" you ask. It's not because you seemed completely full of yourself, playing this whole concerned parent act as you spewed out lame comments to your spawn such as "I'm so proud of you. You're doing such a good job." (Yes, waiting in line for a freaking book requires SO much talent, it's just unheard of.) And it's not because you were with an equally bitter-looking woman who I'm quite sure hasn't been laid in many years, because having an extra person to lay the smack down on for being an ass just makes it all the more amusing to me. There were several reasons I let it slide. First off, it was such a jackass and lame thing to do. If you really think getting in front of one more person will get you the book faster and out the door, by all means be my guest. It's not like they were going to sell out at that point. But I get it. You're insane. It's okay. Lots of people are insane. Second, I'm trying to not be a jackass in front of my kid. I'm pretty sure saying "Listen you stupid bitch..." wouldn't have set the best example for him. Neither does allowing people to cut, but I'm not in that "special place" yet where I can begin a sentence to folks such as yourself without profanity. I'm working on it though. Finally, as much as I would have loved to at least trip you in that passive-aggressive sort of way that I have, I didn't want to cause a scene as a family member works at that particular store. That wouldn't be cool to do.

So I guess what I'm saying is that you're lucky. You're also lucky that my cell phone battery died, because I really wanted to take a picture of your bad haircut to show the world. In fact, if I regret anything about the whole situation it's that.

Now maybe it's just me, but I find it quite loss-of-appetite inducing to have someone's ass right next to my face. It's even worse with multiple asses. Am I overreacting or is it an incredibly bastard-esque move to have a freaking reunion right next to someone else's table. I didn't know these people nor did I give a shit about what was going on in their lives.
Surprisingly, I refrained from starting a thing about it. You see, I was going to ask our waiter to tell them to move...unfortunately, our waiter rarely came around and he let me down in my moment of need. Thanks buddy.

Honestly, what the hells is MSN trying to pull by plastering this banner all over the internet:

Do I NEED to see that and further freak myself out about stupid shit like that? Well I got news for you MSN! I'm not clicking on it. No freaking way. Your attempt at driving site hits through morbid curiosity is not gonna work on me!

A few moments ago, my husband noticed that 2 of our garbage cans were strangely absent from our backyard. I sat there for a brief second, pondering if perhaps I put the garbage cans somewhere and conveniently forgot about it, but I decided that there was no way that I would have actually moved the garbage cans for any reason. Someone or multiple someones stole our garbage cans! Now, for the life of me, I can't figure out WHY someone would steal garbage cans. If you really need to dispose of trash, why not use the dumpster across the street instead of paying for garbage stickers? We don't use the dumpster, but we're not garbage can-stealing douchebags who have questionable moral fiber. (I'm just saying..if you're gonna be a dbag, BE a dbag. None of this half-assing shit.)
In the grand scheme of things, I don't care about the garbage cans. Unfortunately, I absolutely hate being fucked with and having people mess with my stuff, so I was not about to just let this one slide by. I quickly concocted a theory: Whomever stole the cans must surely live nearby. After all, who in their right mind would throw USED garbage cans into their car and drive around with the faint linger of garbage that once was? (Note to self: see comment about garbage-can stealing douchebags...) I left the house to do a quick scout of the alleyway behind our house. As I peered into each person's backyard, two things dawned on me. One, I'm not 100% sure what the garbage cans looked like. Two, I failed to devise a followup to the "find the garbage cans" plan. What was I going to do, walk up to the alleged thief's abode, say "Hey, nice cans you got there?", render them unconscious and steal the cans back? The plan had some serious flaws. Regardless, my scouting yielded two possible suspects, assuming my garbage cans look the way I think they did. I returned home to relay the information, but again, there was no follow-up plan. I'm toying with the idea of getting a posse together one night and capturing the cans back. Operation ForceFlex.
I think it's entirely doable.
Necessary? No.
A fine display of my lack of emotional maturity? Absolutely.