The Walking Dead – Episode 101 – Days Gone By

Posted on November 4, 2010 by dangermonkey

When I heard that AMC was making “The Walking Dead” into a series, I don’t think I could have been more ecstatic about a tv show. I had been turned on to the comic several years ago by a co-worker who understood my love for horror, and zombies, and horror comics. I think he knew a guy who illustrated it or something. Anyway, it is a captivating comic series if you happen to enjoy your comics a little on the bloody side. I definitely recommend picking it up. In fact, I’ll make it easy for you.

WIDGETIZED:

Now onto the series. The pilot debuted on Halloween, which was perfect timing. Because I had candy all ready. Oh yeah, and cause it was Halloween. Having read some of the comic, there were a few “Ah yeah” moments in the plot, but it wasn’t absolutely necessary to be familiar with the comic first. My oldest wasn’t, and his only complaint was that there wasn’t enough action in the first episode. But c’mon…it’s the first episode. You have to allow for the story to progress.

In this first episode, Deputy Rick Grimes is shot on the job, back when everything was normal. He awakens from presumably a coma of sorts in the hospital after some major shit has gone down. The hospital is abandoned, ala Resident Evil: Extinction and 28 Days Later. The concept of waking up in the hospital to the zombie apocalypse has got to be one of the most terrifying scenarios in my mind. Zombie apocalypse is one thing. But in the danger zone, unknowingly? Ye gads! Bodies are littering the place. Shit is crazy. Not a living soul in site. Rick’s immediate thought is to find his wife and son (awww), so he hightails it to his house, encountering a half a zombie on the way. What is a half a zombie, you say? Well, the bottom half is missing…so…yeah…ew. It’s clear that Rick thinks he’s on some drugs at this point, cause while he is taken aback, it’s not the same reaction I would expect from someone seeing half a person wiggling around. I think I would have least cursed profusely and poked it with a stick. At least. Soon, Rick come across some real live non-zombies. Hilarity doesn’t ensue. But some straight up zombie action does.

Visually, I’m enjoying the effects so far. The zombies are creepy. Normal-moving ones, but still creepy. Especially the half zombie early in the episode. And Jack White zombie. He wasn’t so much creepy as odd. (Not really Jack White, I just call him that.) Overall though, I am so far pleased. It’s hard to call it on a pilot episode, but I’m pretty sure this is going to be all win.

Watch the pilot episode below if you missed it, and let this be a lesson to us all: Never bring a horse to a zombie horde, and avoid large cities.

Saw Part Who Really Cares

Posted on November 2, 2010 by dangermonkey

I hate being absent from my own shit. I am behind on podcast editing, behind on posting, behind on damn near everything. All because I’m rocking it in the professional ring. Well, at least I’m rocking it somewhere.

The other night I was attempting to entertain my post-sick self on Netflix and came across Saw..something. VI I think. I can’t remember the last Saw I actually sat through, so I proceeded to head to Wikipedia to “catch up”. Don’t want to be lost during such a cinema masterpiece such as Saw. Ahem.
What I discovered is that I don’t need to watch the other movies. I get the general plot. People are still getting killed. And “tested”. And who gives a shit?
I’m not sure why I even sat through this one, as I don’t care for the series. The first Saw would have been a mediocre film at best without the ending. I did notice that my tolerance for the violence has increased. I mean, seriously, after sitting through “The Human Centipede”, acid and razors and barbed wire just seem boring. What about a test where the poor bastard has to decide which segment of the centipede to assign three random people? Now that would be some fucked up shit.

Red Hook

Posted on May 30, 2010 by dangermonkey

This is a movie so unbelievably bad that I had to take notes during it. Yes, spoilers galore. But hey, turn it on Netflix Watch Instantly and suffer along.
* Oh look. The setup. Either she’s being stalked as a teen or she’ll end up fucking nuts.
* WTF? Are these a bunch of late 20s- early 30s trying to pass as 18 yr olds??
* We’ve got the drama stereotype, the whore, the whore lesbian. Missing the token diversity – oh wait, nevermind.
* This soundtrack licks balls. sweaty, smelly balls.
* Ah, this guy lost his brother. We have a connection! A love connection!
* This is ny. Of course there’s a robbery. And of course these two freaks happen to be there.
* New theory – damaged guy is the killer. And his brother was the killer from before.
* Do this many people really go gaga over the white stripes?
* Okay bitch, your sister was killed years ago. Get over it psycho!
* They make drugs for this, I’m almost certain of it.
* Aggh! Crazy handheld camera guy again! How does no one notice this fuckface?
* Gavin has got to be fuckface.
* Ooh text message! How hip! How now!
* Ra is gonna bite it soon.
* Bad guy wears a tie! Oooh!
* Dudes doing dudes enjoy the outdoors? What?
* These people suck at sex.
* This acting is painful. Okay, act confused. Okay, now act angry. Wait, you didn’t change your emotion.
* Uh oh! Creepy shadow. All of the sudden.
* Did 5 mins get edited out of the film? What the hell are they talking about?
* Oooh…valley girl goth. “Okay, in this scene, you are clearly irritated and bored with these people. Yes, feel free to employ every cliche in the book to show the audience that you’re bored.”
* Ooh, a finger. No one panic. Except the crazy chick.
* This script must have been written by a guy…just based on how the “lesbian” character is written.
* What, are they in some space time vortex where it suddenly becomes night?
* Hmmm…a guy and a woman wrote the script.
* The problem with this movie is the lack of ninja kicking. Well, it’s one of many problems. But seriously. Man with knife. Ninja kick. In the nuts.
* “Well. We’ve arrived at the destination. Let’s not look around or anything. No clue here.”
* Yeah, throwing shoes at dogs IS awesome. Dumbass.
* Another question comes to mind…how is sweatshirt guy avoiding blood splatter?
* I forgot who this Gavin guy is and why this chick is so obsessed with finding him.
* When you hear knocking on your trunk, you should NEVER open it.
* FINALLY. A GODDAMN NINJA KICK!
* I love fake technology. And bad guys with the ability to magically show up in places despite the laws of physics.
* I still say Gavin is fuckface. I don’t trust him.
* Well that was predictable.

The Descent Part 2

Posted on April 27, 2010 by dangermonkey

When I heard they were making a sequel to The Descent, I had mixed feelings. On one hand, I really enjoyed the first movie, so seeing a continuation of the story piqued my interest. On the other hand, I don’t feel as though some stories need to be continued. The Descent had an abrupt ending, to put it mildly. It worked fine in those circumstances. My mom (yes, her again) used to say at the end of most movies “I have questions!”, meaning that she liked everything to be concluded and wrapped up in a nice package. At some point, however, the storyteller needs to say where the line is going to be drawn and what is going to be left up for the audience to ponder over. That gives us stuff to talk about post-movie with coffee.

Image via Wikipedia (Now with bigger bat ears and more poop!)

Someone felt that they had questions and that The Descent needed a follow-up film. I waited patiently for it to come out in theatres, and then found out this morning that it’s on DVD already. Granted, sometimes I fail to pay attention and things slip by me, but really? There’s no way I would have missed this coming out. Turns out, it just hit the festival circuit and got sent to DVD. And I can honestly say after watching it that I understand why.

The Descent Part 2 took out most of what I loved about the first one, which, honestly, makes perfect sense as it’s a sequel and not a remake, right? Still, it felt like there was something that was just lacking from this film. First off, the new characters lacked any sort of real likability to them. There were just “there”, perhaps to up the body count. It was almost sadly predictable to be able to label them in order of their deaths: “Definitely first. Those two will be the duo kill. This one won’t get killed fast enough.”, etc. A good portion of the movie should have been cut with the title “Meanwhile…” as Airk Thaughbaer wandered around the cave system DOING NOTHING OF INTEREST. (Side note: I recognized the actor Gavan O’Herlihy from his role in Willow. Yeah, what the hell?)

Now there were some jumps, but some were practically rehashed from the first film. Besides, it’s not that hard to make someone jump, especially in a horror movie. The gore was decent, and yet cartoonish at the same time. I also found myself unwillingly getting the answer to the question “Do these cave things poop?”, which was a scene that just made me say “Now what was the point of that?”

The original had an all-female lead cast. Not sorority girls running from a masked killer with their boobs bouncing every which way, but strong females who were goddamn cave diving. The original made me physically feel claustrophobic at times. It was creepy, not just for the creatures, but because of the whole atmosphere of the film. Creatures or not, the thought of being lost in an uncharted cave system is freaking scary. The creatures just added more to that. In part two, it was really the only thing going for the scare factor. As for the ending in this one, it just made me question why I watched the movie at all. It was really a disappointment. I think I’ll stick with the original and pretend the second doesn’t exist, kind of what Halloween H20 tried to do about Halloweens 3-6. And what I do about Halloween: Resurrection.

Nugget of goodness

Posted on December 16, 2009 by dangermonkey

I had this utterly brilliant idea for a script and I want to pass the goodness to the world as a treat. Here world, have this nugget and savor it. Let it melt in your mouth as you inhale the sweet aroma. Let it drip… okay, I’m freaking myself out now.
I call this idea “Figgy Pudding”. It’s a slasher flick. Close your eyes. No, wait..you won’t be able to read this if you do that. Pretend you are closing your eyes so you can pretend to imagine the structure I’m throwing at you. Let’s say our main locale is a dorm. Eh, I know what you’re thinking: “Dorms are SO overdone for Christmas slashers.” True, my friends. But we need a single location of terror for this to work and “convalescent home” just doesn’t have the same ring to it. That’s a whole other issue of terror there.
Okay, so dorm-like setting. Enter the carolers. The carolers are the new mutant cannibal backwoods folks for 2010. Trust. The carolers seem oh so sweet and normal, but deep down they are some crazy bastards. They enter the scene singing at the dorm’s steps. Maybe the dorm inhabitants poke a little fun, cause we all know that college students are all jackasses, right? Unfortunately for these jackasses, the carolers have picked them as their target for the evening’s festivities (wink wink). As they get to their closing song (“We Wish You A Merry Christmas”), they get to the verse about figgy pudding:

Oh, bring us a figgy pudding;
Oh, bring us a figgy pudding;
Oh, bring us a figgy pudding and a cup of good cheer
We won’t go until we get some;
We won’t go until we get some;
We won’t go until we get some, so bring some out here

But these freaks are serious. They want their figgy pudding and they plan on killing until they get it. Unfortunately for the college students, no one knows what the fuck figgy pudding actually is, so of course no one has any on them. Then the stalking and killing begins, complete with over the top death scenes utilizing any and all improbably mortal Christmas decorations, along with corny one-liners like “Your balls have been jingled”.
So there. Take it, love it and give it a home. Just don’t name any of the characters some stupid shit like “Maximilian Stead” and describe him as “the wealthy, playboy type” or this entire deal is null and void, I shit you not. It’s important to have standards, even for shitty slashers flicks.
And check it out: flaming figgy pudding!